If 'The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills' Were Scripted: “Stars and Stripes”

Jan. 31, 2013
Dara Katz (dare-uh cats) is a writer and comedian based in Brooklyn, as of like, a week ago. Her best quality is ...
Sometimes I’m so entertained by ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ that I like to pretend somebody actually scripted the entire show. This is what the treatment for last night’s episode would look like:

At the mansion made of lemons, YOLANDA prepares lemons for her good friends KYLE, VANDERPUMP, and oh yeah, SUZANNE SOMERS. They are amazed at YOLOLO’s versatile lemon cooking abilities —- she can make lemons into salads, dressing, and peaches for Bellinis! YOLOLO is not joking when she says she made the peaches herself. In YOLOLO’s home, she is GOD. Perhaps that explains why SUZANNE SOMERS pays enormous tribute to YOLOLO —- she’s just praising her lord! Just makin’ lemons into lemonade! About 100 million gallons of it. And then the ladies talk about urinating on themselves in effort to stay younger. Wait, that was a CSI I saw, but it’s still very relevant.

On to the woman who makes others yearn for the fountain of youth: BRANDI. She’s studying pole dancing in order to teach a class at Night School 4 Girls. Why? Because Night School 4 Girls is paying her. That’s why. BRANDI proves she is pretty damn amazing on the stripper pole. Shadows from cameramen’s’ BONERS are caught in the shot.

At KINGDOM KYLE, a family over-celebrates a daughter who’s probably a sweet kid, but by no means is as accomplished as they say she is. A sixth grade graduation? Is that a thing? The weirdest thing about this party is that KYLE’s party planner GLENN is not present. Did he get fired? Where’s the petting zoo? Where’s the inflatable jumpy jump thing?

Anyway, the COUPLE MALOOF shows up. They bicker because WHY DOESN’T PAUL GET THAT MALOOF DOESN’T EAT CARBS?! KYLE says, “Even though we’re not taking about it, it’s just there lurking in the corner.” She thinks she’s referring to the BRANDI/MALOOF beef, but she’s actually referring to the impending COUPLE MALOOF divorce. Dramatic irony. FAYE RESNICK is obviously there because she’s homeless, and she’s still apparently working on her Madonna’s British Accent of an accent. They continue to beat the surrogate horse. Oops, the natural pregnancy horse. Also, a cute kid who looks like FULLER from Home Alone makes a cameo.

Why wasn’t KIM at KYLE’s family gathering? She was busy sorting pictures of her children: KIMMY, KHIM, CHIM, and KIMMY2.0. She is completely ignorant of her houseman MILTON’s unprofessed love for her. He cries himself to sleep knowing that KIM’s ruining her face with a nose job. But she’s getting one because she likes how she looks and likes her nose. Her words. But it’s true. That’s why people get nose jobs: they like their noses!

At BRANDI’s trailer, we learn she has another friend named ADRIENNE. Maybe this is where all the confusion stems from? They pack for BRANDI’s School 4 Hobagz. Across town at MARISA’s house, we learn her mother treats her like she just graduated sixth grade minus the party. It’s uncanny. MARISA’s mom actually says stuff like, “Let me come and hang out! You won’t even have to talk to me.” Look MOM, PEOPLE SAY THEY LIKE YOUR HAIR BECAUSE IT IS SO VISUALLY ASSAULTING THEY HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING CAN YOU DRIVE ME TO THE MALL NOW???

Finally, the ladies are en route to the much talked about trip to Vegas. PENIS! BRANDI is super excited for her “class” and CAMILLE is hoping she can teach a seminar on blowing smoke out of your vagina. Back to Vegas. The ‘WIVES dine and wine and have a boring, thoughtful, pretty normal conversation. What are they? Poor? But then MARISA starts shitting on LEANN RIMES and things get awesome. They talk about vaginas. They drink and eat seafood which KYLE thinks are like vaginas. They talk more about vaginas. KYLE references Fear Factor, which means maybe it was MAURCIO’s favorite show?

After finishing filming a commercial with her KING for Cialis, YOLOLO, fresh off her flying lemon, shows up in Vegas and the ladies head to Night School 4 Girls. BRANDI starts “teaching” the class by giving an impassioned speech about women empowerment. And now it’s time to strip! But not just yet… No, not just yet. This is so thrilling, we’ll have to wait until next week. TC mark

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