My Anthropological Voyage Into White Twitter
In life, it is always important for one to experience different cultures, to soak in their norms and customs. This helps to develop a worldly view, challenge preconceived notions, and broaden perspectives. And that is the selfless reason I decided to do some “woosa” and step out of my comfort zone, all whilst scoring some points for humanity.
Dear readers, please enjoy the details of my conquest with me. Just as John Smith crossed high seas and battled treacherous storms so he could be one of the first Europeans to dive head first into Native American vajay by way of Pocahontas of the Powhatan tribe; just as Moses led his people into the scalding desert to ration on humble manna (the Biblical equivalent of Waffle House) because Pharaoh didn’t want to let him shine; just as our beloved brother Martin Luther King, Jr. battled the mighty governments racial tirade just to give Obama the opportunity to become President (and so I could grip a young caucasian woman’s hair amidst the heat of copulation whilst whispering “do you like that?” and other sweet nothings into her ear), I, too, embarked on a voyage of epic proportions that will serve a place hold in the history books.
I visited #WhiteTwitter.
Please, let me explain.
I stumbled upon it by mistake, but once I arrived, what I witnessed gripped me immediately. My mind darted to and fro as if I had landed on Pandora for the first time and my Avatar body went into sensory overload. Although White Twitter was a peaceful place overall, the communication between its inhabitants and their subject matter astounded me.
Anthropologists have come to define White Twitter as:
A place where Mike Vick is the anti-Christ, and a Tweeter can go to engulf himself in topics such as yoga, granola laden fat-free yogurt, and political activism, all whilst pretending to threaten one’s own well-being.
I trod carefully as to not arouse suspicion of my initial goal, to spy on White Twitter and relay the information to my brethren on the other side. But during my investigations as to why anybody would willingly kiss a canine on its mouth, I realized it would be of benefit to not only share my findings, but to give White Twitter a brief introduction into Black Twitter as well, so no one would have to face the same perils as myself.
Here we see that a suburban mother has lovingly provided her child a cool beverage for his parched mouth. But not just any beverage, no, only fresh water from the springs of Dasani to quench the thirst of her offspring. Unamused, he immediately took his electronic quill to Twitter to ridicule and threaten her in front of the masses.
On the surface, one might view this as jovial teen chatter, but upon further inspection, it is clear that this young man may lash out at any given moment if sweet Fijian nectar is not placed before him in his moment of thirst. These types of threats were witnessed time and time again.
Whether or not this young woman was under the influence of banned substances when she made this declaration, we will never know. Nevertheless, White Twitter in general has a very fascinating relationship with peculiar and rare foods. It baffled me as to where she would obtain said apple doused in crispy honey. It was also the first time I had ever observed anybody openly fantasize about a fruit. Odd.
I also witnessed another young lady claim that she would eat crab and avocado sushi until she exploded, therefore prematurely ending her life.
This is where the real fear set upon me. I had heard rumors of people on White Twitter being able to shape shift and morph into different objects, which I laughed and brushed off as nonsense. But then, right before my very eyes, the truth emerged. A member recounted tales of when she used to be a vegetable and her ‘pa accompanied her on a magical journey. Could this be true? (It is also possible that she was merely replacing a song lyric with a food item, a common occurrence on White Twitter.)
So sad. This young man had had enough. It was all too much, and he had inexplicably decided it would be best for the bookshelf to kill him right there. But in the end, it all made a kind of sense — absolutely nobody in their right mind would wear a plaid button up with an alligator-vomit-green t-shirt. Tragedy upon tragedy upon tragedy.
The above photos are just a mere sampling of my findings while observing the other side of the Twitter machine. A strange world, and a far cry from my usual readings. White Twitter’s foreign, strange trending topics are usually ones that ask its users to replace one word in the name of a musical band with another word like “bacon” or “poop.”
After the shock had subsided, it became clear that White Twitter was just harmless fun. I noticed, too, that I wasn’t the only person visiting their realm to observe the charming native culture.
I implore White Twitter’s inhabitants to follow two simple rules when making their own visit to Black Twitter.
1. Michael Jordan is God and Nike is heaven.
Whenever these two entities combine to release old footwear disguised as new, it is advised that anybody not involved in the purchasing melee stay indoors, as their safety cannot be guaranteed.
2. Throw away all your preconceived notions about the word “nigga.”
On Black Twitter, that word is actually not a contemptuous term for “black person,” it simply means “any living being.” Keep this in mind during your gallivanting.
All in all, I have found that White Twitter is a weird and wonderful place filled with s’mores, medium-rare steak, and dog tuxedos — a place I am glad to have visited and learned from. I hope these findings lessen the shock, should you ever decide to muster up the courage and take a gander into the unknown.
A | A | A
There’s nothing worse than the person who pretends to wear their heart on their sleeve when they actually have an ace up it.
Yeah. I forgot my kid in the bathtub. So what? You have a problem with that? Well I’ll tell you why I forgot him there. I was out having sex. With men.
I do not now, nor have I ever felt, that I’ve been at any disadvantage for being a member of the “fairer sex.” Truth be told, I’ve always felt far more fortunate than my male counterparts.
When the steel pipe was passed to me, I took it, knowing that I was sinning.