Types Of Girlfriends I Wish I Could Be
The adrenaline junkie girlfriend
What’s cooler than jumping out of a plane? Dating someone who wants to jump out of a plane with you! None of your bros want to go dirt biking with you this weekend? Call up your super rad girlfriend — you know she’ll be down! Road trip to Six Flags? The adrenaline junkie girlfriend knows the way. Too bad that even the thought of getting on the kiddie roller coaster makes me break out in hives. Oh, what’s that, boyfriend? You want me to wait here and watch while you go on the terrifying roller coaster of death? Negative, I’ll faint.
The nature-loving girlfriend
Whenever my Facebook newsfeed blows up with photos of a couple who went on a camping trip, I try to wrap my head around how they manage to look so blissful on top of that hill, next to that baby deer, in the middle of nowhere — unafraid of the many things that could possibly go wrong in the great outdoors, like crossing paths with a poisonous snake or accidentally knocking over a beehive (that scene from My Girl…anyone?). How does this girlfriend manage to look like she’s bathed in a dewy glisten that’s sort of Twilight-esque while hiking uphill? I might be able to rough it during the day, but come nightfall, I would instantly turn from being the “pretending to love nature” girlfriend into the super paranoid, “Oh my god wake up did you hear that sound? What is that?! Are we going to be eaten by a bear?!?” girlfriend, which is not a good look .
The girlfriend with exceptional taste in music
“My boyfriend and I fulfilled our lifelong dream of seeing [insert amazing band here] live last night!” said not me, ever. Don’t get me wrong — I understand that talking to a guy about how much I love Taylor Swift’s “We are never, ever getting back together” is probably never, ever going to get me laid. I’m not-so-secretly beyond jealous of girls who are effortlessly able to talk about the latest up-and-coming band with their significant others. I’d give anything to be one of those girls who have extra strong eardrums and can actually enjoy and withstand the crazy metal concerts that they attend with their boyfriends, moshing together in a pit of sweat and love.
The girlfriend who can effortlessly quote “bro” movies
I’m drunk at a party where someone is singing karaoke, when all of a sudden the guy next to me drops the line, “His voice is like a mix of Fergie and Jesus,” to which his girlfriend swiftly replies, ”Did we just become best friends?” to which he answers, “Wanna go do karate in the garage?” and then the whole room is laughing… and I’m fake laughing, because I have NO idea what just transpired. All I can think about is how freaking cool it is that that girl instantly knew what movie her boyfriend was referencing and was able to respond accordingly and make everyone laugh. I should probably stop spending my free time watching marathons of Say Yes to the Dress, because no one quotes that at a party, ever.
The sports fanatic girlfriend
I have nothing but respect for the girl at the bar who is decked out in her team’s colors, cheering alongside her boyfriend, giving out high-fives and chest bumps like Halloween candy. The fact that she actually knows the correct and proper time to cheer is beyond impressive to me. I can’t wrap my head around how her eyes manage to not glaze over while watching men fight each other over a little brown ball or puck or what have you. I swear I’ll get around to learning the difference between a goal and a touchdown… someday.
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I guess it’s easy for you.
You want to know how you earn food? You breathe. You live. You deserve calories just by virtue of the fact that you exist. Not for any other reason.
Blush Response sounds like something straight out of Blade Runner, the 1982 science fiction thriller (loosely based on Philip K. Dick’s Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?) featuring Harrison Ford. — and it is.
It’s like a dog on a really long leash that doesn’t realize he’s on a leash, and so he’s chasing his dreams (a squirrel) at top speed, ears flopping, tongue flailing, tail wagging, and then… YANK. The end of the leash.