The Code: What We Text Vs. What We Really Mean

Recently, I witnessed two of my male friends having a conversation at a bar about how annoying it is that women speak in “code” rather than saying their honest thoughts. Since both of these men have occupied places in my heart and bed on occasion, they have ended up becoming dear friends that I would never, ever take dating advice from. I joked with them for a while and thought almost nothing of it until a few days later when I found myself attempting to draft a text to my current romantic interest, walking the thin line between blatancy and coyness. I’m not the kind of girl who likes to play games, and I’d always prefer painful honesty to a confusing sugar coated half truth. But I do play the game, because in terms of dating, honest girls are often labeled assertive, intimidating, slutty, crazy, etc.

Below is a helpful guide of things that I say vs. what I’m really thinking. Guys, consider it the next time you feel like whining into your beer about not understanding women. Use it to decipher the code. Use it to remind yourself that ignorance is bliss. Or, if you can handle it, use it to start the kind of honest relationship where a girl can speak her mind without sounding like a psycho.

I say: “We should hang out tonight.”
I mean: “We should make out tonight.”

I say: “My friend drank too much and I have to make sure she gets home okay. Sorry! :(”
I mean: “The last time we hooked up you didn’t even try to give me an orgasm and now I’m not sure it’s worth walking up the 6 flights of stairs to your apartment. Which is probably dirty and freezing, anyway.”

I say: “Sounds like an adventure.” (in response to you describing what you’ve been doing for the last 48 hours)
I mean: “I’m sure you could have found 10 seconds in there to say hello, asshole. By the way, my weekend was fine in case you just forgot to ask.”

I say: “I have to work really early tomorrow.”
I mean: “I don’t have to work until noon, but I didn’t know you were going to ask me to hang out and I’m in the middle of eating an entire pizza, which is way more satisfying than giving you a tuesday night blow job.”

I say: “I’ll be around with friends, I’ll let you know where I end up.”
I mean: “I will text you around 1am if the guy that I’ve been fixating on for weeks doesn’t show up.”

I say: “We can meet up for a drink but I’m tired and don’t want to get too crazy tonight.”
I mean: “I’d like to see you but I’m on my period and moody and have absolutely no desire to have sex with you tonight.”

I say: “Sweet dreams, handsome.”
I mean: “I really hope that you dream about me tonight and wake up tomorrow realizing that you want to be my boyfriend.”

I say: “My friends and I are checking out such and such band tonight at such and such bar.”
I mean: “I really want to see you, please show up.”

I say: “I’ve had a terrible day at work. :(”
I mean: “Tell me that I’m smart, talented, and/or pretty so that I feel better about my boss yelling at me.”

I say: “How is your day going?”
I mean: “I really, really like you.”

I say: “Sure, being friends would be great.”
I mean: “I know that you think you should stay in your unhappy relationship, and you’re going to try really hard to pretend that you and I are actually just friends, but eventually you’re going to break up with that girl for me.”

I say: “I’m glad I ran into you tonight.”
I mean: “You have exactly 5 minutes before my car hits my driveway to ask me to turn around and come over.”