Thought Catalog
May 15, 2017

Thank You Mom, For Showing Me What Type Of Woman I Never Want To Be

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Unsplash / Tanja Heffner

I sit here in silence and I try not to cry. It’s hard not to though when I remember how things used to be.

I thought I’d have her forever, but if only I knew that one day she’d completely be gone.

You would think that the most important person in your life would always be here for you, but that’s not always the case and it’s important to remember that.

I wish things were how they used to be and I could go back to those days. The days where she would hold my hand when I was afraid, when she would sing me to sleep, when she would always be there — but now she’s not anymore and it’s time to accept that.

How could I honor somebody who left me all alone? How could I celebrate someone who left me after all those years of love? Did she stop loving me? Did she get tired of me?

I’ll never understand how she could leave me, but she’s gone and I can’t dwell on that anymore. She was not at my prom, she was not there when I was at my lowest, she has not been there at all these past few years.

She has caused me depression and anxiety. How could she do that to her own child? She has made my nights result in tears and nightmares, she has made me feel completely broken.

She has made me afraid to trust people, she has made me afraid to love, and she has left a dark piece inside of me that I can not get rid of since she has been gone.

She has made feel every feeling that a mother should never make her child feel. I will not celebrate somebody who has not been a mother to me. I will not celebrate her on any day at all.

Instead I will be thankful for the things that I have learned from her. I have learned that I don’t “need” a mother because I have many other amazing people who try to fill that void.

My dad is the greatest fill in “mother” that I could ask for and if it wasn’t for her leaving, I wouldn’t be as close to him as I am today.

Although I may be bruised, and somewhat broken, I’m still alive, and I’m stronger everyday because of what she put me through.

She showed me who the most important people in my life are and who deserves my love and my trust — that love and trust goes to my family members that never left, my family that is always here.

She has made me excited for when I have my own family. My children will have the greatest mother possible, I will love them unconditionally, hold their hand when they need me, and I will make sure they know that I will always be there.

I have learned how to treat others and how to take on this life without her. I do not want to be somebody that puts their needs above everybody else’s, somebody that can leave the people that she claims to “love,” somebody that is negative and mean towards others, especially her own family.

Thank you to my mom for showing me exactly the person that I do not want to be like. That is the one lesson she has taught me, and I will carry it with me forever.

I now know that I am a strong girl who has a bright future, even in spite of my past, I know that just because she left me does not mean that everyone else will.

I’ve come to realize the person that I am, and without you leaving me, I wouldn’t be who I am now.

She didn’t die, but to me it feels as if she did. I hope that she realizes that she put me through hell, and I hope that she realizes that I’m the best version of me because she’s gone.

Thank you mom for the important lesson, thank you for making me who I am today. TC mark