What That Job Description Actually Means
By Dani Bee
Are you looking for a dead-end job? Do you want to be stuck under mediocre middle management for the rest of your life? Do you enjoy being disrespected by co-workers and executives alike? Did you so enjoy high school, you’d like to travel back and relive the glory days? Well, look no further — a position with our company is available today!
Our workplace is set up like the modern family — gossip, snitching, and general unpleasantries are commonplace; they’re even highly regarded by management. In fact, we use them as fodder to berate employees during meetings! “I heard” or “someone told me” are some of our favorite sentence-starters. It’s a great way to get people feeling completely uncomfortable, enraged, and betrayed.
At our company, we want to make sure our employees are nice and angry. They work better that way, and the disloyalty it fosters toward the company makes for an astounding lack of retention and referral that we find exciting. We like to keep the turnover rate extremely high. That way, HR will be constantly back-filling, and the poor suckers who haven’t gotten off the bus yet will have to work the jobs of multiple people on the same salary! And by salary, we mean pathetic hourly wage that wouldn’t feed a small child, much less someone actually trying to eat while paying rent in the city. With this method, we’re able to get tension to just the right threshold so as to have people consider flinging themselves from the building.
We’ve thrown the concept of trust for our employees out the door — this circus we call a corporation has put into place a series of tracking mechanisms to ensure that you’ll be sleeping with one eye open every night. For example, you sign into our mandatory company-wide instant messenger the minute you walk into the office.
“Why?” you may ask. “Isn’t instant messenger one of the most interruptive and unproductive tools for your employees?”
Why yes, in fact, it is! But we don’t concern ourselves with frivolities such as productivity. We’re more concerned with instilling a good old-fashioned sense of fear into each and every one of you. We want to know when you take your lunches and the exact moment when you walk out of the door. That way, when we question hours billed on your timesheet, we can have you properly sweating from evidence gleaned solely from stalking you. Who even needs to get up and stretch at their desks? Or take lunches and socialize with co-workers? That crap is for organizations who care.
Oh, and in case you were wondering about full-time stability — we think it’s boring. Paid-time off? Health care? What is this, kindergarten? If you want to bat in the big leagues, you’re going to need to have God-like health and never have medical appointments or family emergencies of any kind. If you do find yourself taking a day off, it’s important that you notify each of your colleagues in a very public and shame-filled venue — the mass group e-mail. It’s really not a vacation unless there’s guilt attached to it. It’s our company policy, and more importantly, it’s the American way.
If any or all of this reads like your next dream job, get in line and send us your resume! We’ve got scores of people just waiting to hear us lie about how awesome we are. We’re looking for employees who are willing to burn themselves out doing the same thing, day in and day out, until the company runs out of budget for their position and we fire them. Because career development is for the dark ages. So come on down, and join your fellow comrades in mediocrity in the daily, hellish existence we call This Job Your Dumbass Is About To Apply For. Giddyup!