Thought Catalog
March 16, 2017

This Is What Closure Really Means, Because It’s More Than Just Kissing Your Ex Goodbye

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God&Man

Just the other day I did the unthinkable. I went to get official closure from someone—who I guess could be considered an ex. After experiencing him for six years, I officially decided that I no longer want to be conflicted with that relationship. I mean, I officially decided this years ago, but my curiosity always lead me back.

How could someone who I treated so well hate me?

He called, so maybe we can end things like adults?

He needs to see that I am doing okay…

Here’s the kick, almost a month ago we said goodbye for the last time.

But I wasn’t satisfied. Not because I wanted or want to be with him, but because he needed to know, at least in my mind, that I am okay. That I do not care about how he’s moved on, and I will say what I want to say.

Over the years, he never walked away from me when I was rational about things. Me being too happy about letting him go, just never went well. I began to notice a pattern of him sneaking back in innocently, through a seemingly nice text, or (drunken) phone call.

Recently, he reminded me that once again—he needed to have the upper hand. He needed to make me upset, AND THEN disappear. He texted me saying that he didn’t like the way a conversation between he and I went… I mean, I didn’t either. He hung up on my face, the norm from him. But, I called back- and told him that I no longer wanted the negative exchanges. I was okay with never speaking to him again, as he had wished—we did not have to meet up. I told him that he should’ve been honest instead of ignoring me, another norm…Then, I wished him the best. Although he reached out and called me first.

So yes, I thought there was closure. When I received a text a week later, I was shocked that he was willing to apologize. Despite the closure I thought we had both reached, I was okay with meeting up with him, once again… AFTER a two-week course I was enrolled in.

I couldn’t have any distractions, so everyone had to wait.

After the course, I called. He told me that he just started a relationship with a new person. I was annoyed. Not because of jealousy, I swear. But because once again, I allowed him to have another opportunity to disappoint me. To show me that he just did not care about me. He could make plans, and brush them off. I should just get it, right?

Honestly, I’ve often felt lonely, abandoned, and unloved after most of our exchanges. And weirdly, I became a sucker for wanting to fix it—for wanting him to care. I know that this is the ultimate reason why I always let him back in. And once again, there I was. Despite having great people around me who care about me—there’s something about caring aimlessly about the wrong person that makes all the other evident love, obsolete. Invisible. Non-existent.

I never knew the pain of being blocked on Facebook, Instagram, and cellphones before meeting this man. I never knew how it felt to spend hours with someone, who I thought things were progressing with, just to log into Twitter to see him favorite a quote that was the antithesis of who he was to me—or a picture of a half-naked woman, usually a local one. But he taught me that pain. And I hated him for it.

But, just the other day I was finished. Again. There was, and still is, a ton of regret over all the time I’d spent, and wasted with him. But, this time I am finished ultimately.

While driving to his house, he called me. Within three phone calls from him—while I was only about 15 minutes away, he reminded me what it felt like to have a man around who doesn’t respect you. Care about you. Or, love you.

He takes Instagram pictures in front of his BMW. He Tweets obsessively about the latest sneakers, Tesla’s, making money, and his promotions. He has a few pictures of his Yeezy and Jordan collection. He’s always been materialistic, complete opposite from me, but he had the NERVE to ask me to pay for dinner.

That was the first call.

I said hell no.

The second call, I guess he gave things some thought. He asked me to buy him Chipotle. I reminded him of the pictures. I reminded him that his salary was way more than mine. I reminded him that he NEVER paid for anything.

I laughed, but it was a laugh of disgust. A laugh that reminded me, that although people can change and progress, they may never change who they are to you. This is not to justify the misbehavior of anyone, people shouldn’t treat others bad… but some just do.

After I hung up, I was reminded of the most important thing—this is the person he always was to me. He never respected me. He didn’t care that I cared. No amount of love I expressed, action I took, good I looked, or respect I gave- would change this.

I told him that what we were going to speak about could be done in the car in front of his house. I was truly okay with not having a meal with someone who treated me badly. Ask him, he never did treat me badly.

Ask him, this was my choice. And I do take responsibility for allowing this to go on for so long. For allowing myself to let him back in, without question, so many times. But, he was a part of this too.

In that conversation, on a nice breezy night, someone who I once saw the world in, who I cared about, who I would fight for, became who he always was to me. I saw how badly we both struggled with letting each other completely go, but desperately wanted to.

My dislike for him truly outweighs any amount of positive feelings, vibes, or experiences. We were like a job path that just didn’t work out. And there was so much force. I kept trying to force this to work for us in the past. To see past the obvious signs. He wasn’t trying to make it work, to make it better, or to improve it—but he just kept showing up. This definitely needed to end.

I hate that there could be no solution to some relationship issues other than to part ways. Even with mistreatment. I’m such a loving and forgiving person, but that night, I had to be RATIONAL, and really let this go.

I didn’t argue. I let him be right. I didn’t care. I was ready to move on.

As he spoke, I felt like I was being denied a job after interviewing tirelessly for a position that I wanted extremely bad.

I guess this share is truly a compilation of my thoughts that night. After leaving, I reflected on what was said. How he refused to take responsibility. How his apologies were followed with “buts.” How he started vaping in my car. How he expected me to buy him dinner.

It was all too much to believe. This was finally over. And it needed to be.

Looking at this objectively is truly what is allowing me to get past it. I allow myself to reflect on the intricate details momentarily, because despite my emotions being a big part of who I am, I cannot move on if I try to fix this relationship. I cannot dwell on it, sulk in it, or allow what should’ve or could’ve happened to stop me from moving forward.  There is no solution to this other than to move forward, and to never look back.

I’ve loved others after him. And that’s what I will continue to do.

That night, I went to work and decided to change my phone number; something I’ve been debating for years. Yes, he was the primary reason. Because, sometimes you have to make every avenue that could lead you back to a dark tunnel, impossible to reach. Sometimes you have to officially cut ties. And sometimes, those bridges must burn.

I allowed myself to go back to this person a million times, but that cannot happen again. It was toxic. Some days I cringe at how I was treated, and what I allowed. It was emotionally damaging. Some days I cry.

I said what I wanted to, and kept a lot to myself in our last conversation. I am positive that that was our last conversation. I got the closure I went there for.

Closure is never really great. Saying goodbye for good to someone you’ve cared deeply for, despite negative experiences, will most likely hurt a bit. I guess I can conclude this by saying, you know when you’ve had enough. I did. You know when you want to say more… I did. And you know when you’re finished, I am.