The 7 Victims Of An OKCupid Axe Murderer
By Dallas Rico
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yto08I_IiAg&w=584&h=390]
I’ve come to the conclusion that a homophobic axe murderer is going around slashing every nice chap I hit it off with online. There’s no other logical explanation as to why they keep disappearing.
No, I don’t mean guys whose pics and profiles I liked but who don’t respond to my initial message. I’m talking about the ones whom I’ve chatted with extensively, talked on the phone with, and even met in person. Somewhere in the mix the axe murderer caught wind of our budding relationship and wasn’t pleased.
Here are just a few examples of last messages chaps sent me before the axe murderer got them. Join me as I try to read between the lines.
1. “Yea that would be cool, i would like that,” responded one dude after I suggest we talk on the phone.
We exchanged numbers. I told him I’d call at a certain time. I did and then he never responded. He must have misread my message and thought I said, “How about we never speak again? Ever.”
This interaction reminded me how things need to move at a fast pace when dating online. You should talk on the phone and plan to meet up soon after you exchange numbers. Otherwise someone will likely lose interest quickly. In this case, he did.
2. “Maybe we should go togther on a weenkend.”
This was the last message a guy sent me before the axe murderer got him. He didn’t even have the decency to spell check his sentence. Goes to show he was already on to the next one.
This one left me a bit confused because he hit me up first. He was also the one who suggested we meet up. So, why suddenly disappear? See, it has to be the axe murderer.
3. “Call me to let me know you made it safely,” says one chap I’d been talking to for two weeks.
I gave him a goodbye kiss before heading to Dallas to visit family. I called and left a voice message to let him know I’d made it. It seems he was solely concerned that the plane might crash (how considerate of him) because that was the last I’d hear from him. Doesn’t he know air travel is safer than ever?
This one hurt a little because I felt like I could have married this man. We related so well and our life goals aligned like a double helix. So what if we’d only chatted for two weeks? Sometimes you just know these things. Don’t judge me, yeah.
4. “Maybe we can chat on the phone tomorrow. Text even during the afternoon after work?” says one gent after we’ve exchanged 10 messages back and forth and realized we hit it off.
I thought this was his way of asking for my number so I gave it to him. Guess whether or not we chatted on the phone or texted after work.
I hit this chap up first. We quickly realized we had a lot in common, beyond our mutual attraction for each other. We both liked Latin dance, working in Education, among other things. This prompted him to send that final message before heading off to bed and getting slashed by the axe murderer.
5. “Likewise. I look forward to meeting you ;-)”
See, I meant it when I said I looked forward to meeting him. I was really feeling this chap. Apparently, that smiley is the digital equivalent of crossing his fingers behind his back. (Do kids still do that?)
This is another one that stung. He called me just shortly after I’d given him my number. We had a 40-minute deep discussion about race and ethnicity over the phone. I was so looking forward to continuing our conversation and so was he. Or so he said.
6. “Thanks! I’ll txt you tomorrow or Monday :)” Again with the smiley. I think here it translates to “yeah right, dumbass.”
I gave him my number first. I do not have his. ‘Nuff said.
How often do I find a chap who also likes comics? I thought he was keeper! When we have so much in common it just seems right that we get to know each other more Right?! Guess not.
7. “Hey Dallas, it’s [Jerry Springer show bleep] from okcupid. I’m going to bed soon but let’s talk tomorrow.”
First, and second-to-last text, I received from a chap I was truly feeling. His phone must have autocorrect or something because I think he meant to type “never” instead of “tomorrow.”
The conversation had died a few times before but I tried to resuscitate it by re-expressing my interest in getting to know him. It seems he finally texted me out of pity. I should have known better. Can’t use a defibrillator on the dead.
Am I missing something here? Is there some secret online dating Morse code I don’t know about?
The long and short of it is I would respect a guy if he simply said he was no longer interested. He doesn’t even have to tell me why. It could be through a text or a phone call, but, please, not in person (What a waste of time and money!). I’d respect that and move on to the next one.
Because I know how it feels to be left out in the dark I always let a chap know when I’m not feeling him. But most guys don’t do that. They just drop you like a Metro PCS call. Leaving you to guess what happened. Damn, was it something I said?
It’s like they all do that thing Batman does in the movies. You’ll be talking to them without realizing they’ve already left the scene. “So that’s how it feels.”
I’m offering a $10,000 reward for anyone who finds this axe murderer who’s ruining all my dates. I haven’t decided yet whether or not I want him dead or alive, but I’m strongly leaning towards dead.