I’ve never been like other girls. The girls who are so terrified of being alone, always in search of someone to fulfill them. It’s like they can’t stand the sound of their own thoughts and silence. Being still is like torture. So staying busy is the only way they can deal with it because it keeps them distracted from themselves, from their insecurities, and from the truth that they don’t know who they are at all.
But that’s never been me. I’ve never known what that kind of void feels like. I’ve never needed other people like those girls did in order to feel complete. I’ve always known myself. And I’ve always been happy, confident and content being alone. The sound of my silence was comforting to me. It’s how I made sense of the world. And I was proud of that, to be so different than such thin-souled girls who were always too scared of themselves and what they might feel if they were alone for too long.
But I felt everything. I granted myself permission to. I never saw it as weak, depressing or selfish. Everyone needs to give in to themselves like that. It’s what builds your character, makes you stronger. Was I happy to be alone all the time? No. But it wasn’t something that would ever break me. Just because I didn’t want to be alone didn’t mean that I couldn’t be alone.
I just think about it, sometimes. Of course while in the thick of my silence and stillness, drinking wine and playing songs. I think about what it would be like to have someone in my life. I’ve been alone for so long. I know myself so well.
And what I want now is to have someone.
I want someone who knows how I take my coffee. I want someone who knows that I will always want more wine. I want someone who isn’t afraid of being quiet with me. I want someone’s body to interrupt mine. I want someone to go places with, have their hand at my back, and know what my expressions mean. I want someone I can kiss for hours. I want someone to cook dinner for, wear lingerie for, and listen to. I want a partner in crime. I want someone to complain to when the day is awful, tell them I miss them, and make plans. I want someone I can introduce as mine. I want someone who can introduce me as theirs. I want someone to make fun of me. I want someone to laugh with until we’re both crying. Someone to give advice to and know that they value what I have to say. I just want someone to make choices with.
And I don’t want all those things just because I’d lose myself completely if I didn’t have someone in my life. I could never lose myself like that just because I was alone. I just think about it, sometimes, and how nice it would be to have someone to share my life with.
Life’s been strange lately, I guess. But I’ll figure it out. I always do. That’s just the realistic, steady core of me that I’ve always appreciated about myself. I guess sometimes I just want someone to look at me so hard with their hands around my face and their body pressed up all warm against mine and say:
“Shh. It’s ok. I know you can deal with it. But you don’t have to do it alone. I am here for you. I am yours. And I love all of you.”
That’s all I really want, these days.