How To Get Your Dream Job In 15 Simple Steps

Because we live to work and we don’t work to live anymore. Might as well be doing something that you love while we waste away to nothing.

1. Go to art school. Study something that makes you feel passionate and human. Something like 18th Century Russian Art History.

2. Graduate. Do not skip ahead.

3. Move back home and into your parents’ basement. It’s time to figure shit out while saving money on rent.

4. Get a figuring it out gig. A coffee shop is always cool. I chose a grocery store. Most of my coworkers were young, cute and trying to figure it out too.

5. Save up money, but also spend said money on things you think you need. Like clothes and booze. And more booze to drown out the reality that you live in your parent’s basement and you’re having sex in your childhood bed. Six year old you would be proud.

6. Check your bank account. Shouldn’t there be more zeroes after that one?

7. Check your calendar. The months sure are racking up and there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. This comes as a surprise.

8. Work. Sleep. Eat. Repeat.

9. Start a relationship with a coworker. It’s too convenient to pass up.

10. Finally decide it’s time to move to the city of your dreams whether you have it planned out or not. You’re an artist, remember? When the mood strikes, it strikes.

11. Move. Live in a shithole apartment. You have to start somewhere.

12. Apply to your dream job. You want to be a professional artist/creator/experiencer right?

13. Realize that your dream job is just that, a dream.

14. Repeat steps 4 through 6. Note you are now having sex on your futon or not having sex at all because you’re too depressed.

15. Don’t give up hope. It will eventually get better.