January 29, 2013

Everyone I’ve Never Had Sex With, Pt. 3


I saw a number of Nikki’s tweets retweeted on Twitter and enjoyed them and so followed her. I added her on Gchat. She was good to talk to and we videochatted a few times. The ~third time we talked, I asked her if she ever came to London and she told me she had 8 days off work soon and would be coming to London then. She told me how many people she had slept with in the last year and that she thought it was a high number. I told her I thought it was a fine number. I said she should dye her hair to a colour I could see in some of her Facebook pictures, which she did. I said she should show her butt on cam, which she didn’t.

When I met Nikki in London, she seemed to have unexpectedly “goth” eye makeup and I felt confused. We walked slowly around London being sassy about things and finally went to eat at a diner. Nikki ordered a Philly cheese steak and I kept pulling her plate away from her while she tried to eat and saying, “No — stop — don’t,” and laughing because it seemed funny she was eating Philly cheese steak. After we ate, the waitress made small talk with us for ~5 minutes and then seemed extremely annoyed when we admitted we didn’t want dessert. I laughed and told her, “But please pass on to the chef that my friend here said this was a truly exquisite Philly cheese steak.” We went home.

I showed Nikki the bedroom and said I’d sleep on the sofa because I had work the next day. She squinted her eyes for a while and then I went to bed.


The next day we left my flat together and Nikki went to a library and I went to work. In the evening, we were going to see my friend’s band but on the way there she said some things that made me realise she would definitely hate the music. We had one drink at the venue but then got the bus home. We bought beers and drank them and watched Mac and Me. I think I enjoyed it more than Nikki even though I had seen the film ~3 times previously. Nikki said she was tired and I told her she’d had a long day and patted her on the head. She asked why I was sleeping on the sofa and I said it was because I’m an idiot. She frowned and I repeated that I’m an idiot and don’t worry and then started commenting on what was happening in Mac and Me and she went into the other room.

In the morning, we watched things on the internet for several hours and were both quiet and broadly unresponsive. She said she should leave and got her stuff. I walked her to the door and instead of hugging her I waved from ~2 feet away. She frowned and walked downstairs to the street. ~3 minutes later, she texted “Um” and then “Wow” and I texted “I’m sorry” and she replied “Wtf.”


Saima is the little sister of an old friend, Nadia. Some new year’s eves ago, I ate some magic mushrooms at a party and talked to Saima for ~2hours about things including Wonder Showzen, WWE and Beyoncé. At one point we were going to leave the party together but when we went into the room with the coats I had no idea which coat was mine. By the time I had remembered, the party was finishing and everyone else was coming to get their coats, too. I wanted to hide under the bed and stay but instead I got a lift home and Saima sat on my lap and I remember stroking her leg a lot.


~6 months later, Saima and Nadia were at another party and I talked to Saima again and we exchanged numbers. It got late and Nadia and her boyfriend said Saima and I could stay at their house. Nadia drove us all back there after the party. Saima and I lay on the sofa. She was on her back and I was facing her. I put my hand somewhere near her hair. I touched her hip and she stayed lying on her back with her eyes closed. I tapped her hipbone and looked at her for half a minute, then rolled over and went to sleep.


~2 months later, I saw Saima at another party. She was drunk when I arrived and she seemed to follow and talk to me a lot. At one point, she came into a room where I was and whispered something and everyone except us left the room and closed the door behind them. Saima lay on the bed and looked at me and I said, “Where did everyone go?” I asked if she wanted a beer and walked out of the room and went to get myself a beer and then stayed in the kitchen.

At the end of the night, I was waiting for my friend to go to the toilet so we could leave. Saima came and stood very close to me. She looked at me and said, “You don’t want to leave,” several times and I smiled at her. She very slowly said, “Listen to me: you do not want to leave. Do you understand?” I said it was time for me to go and she looked confusedly at my mouth. She stood near me and seemed angry and looked at my face and I made my eyes big and looked at people sitting on a sofa. After ~20 seconds, she walked away for a short while and then came back. She asked me several times in a very slow voice if I was listening to her and if I understood what she was saying and I nodded and stayed looking at the people on the sofa who seemed to be openly laughing at the situation I was in and I started laughing. Saima walked away and came back several times. Eventually the person I was waiting for finished what he was doing so we could leave. Saima came to the door with me and tutted and shook her head like, “This guy can’t see what’s right in front of him!!” I touched her on the top of her arm and looked at her and told her good night.


I noticed Melanie at a party after reading at a book launch in Manchester. We didn’t talk but at one point she was standing near me and I internally debated whether there was any way I could sound sincere while complimenting her glasses. After finally coming to a conclusion, I noticed that she had left some time ago.

A few weeks later later, my friend Hercules told me that she had asked various questions about me. I added her on Facebook on Valentine’s Day.

On Facebook chat, I described something as “tasty” and she told me she felt sick every time she heard the word “tasty” and I didn’t feel compelled to say “tasty” a lot and I was surprised. Melanie said she hated having her feet touched and I made a compromise with myself that at least I would make sure I touched her feet a lot if it was ever a possibility.


The next day, she booked a ticket to come to London in several weeks to attend a family bar mitzvah. We agreed that we would meet up.


Over the next few weeks we chatted a lot. I asked if I would have to convert and get circumcised or if I would be allowed to just paint my foreskin the same colour as my ‘helmet’ and she seemed to take the question seriously and I was confused. I sent her a series of hyperlinks such as: http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&q=what+to+do+in+london+on+march+9th+with+a+very+cute+girl+if+you%27re+a+dork&meta


The day before we were supposed to meet, I told her I liked how her nail polish looked in a particular Facebook photo. She said she was sorry she hadn’t brought any nail polish to London with her and that her nails weren’t painted. I said it was ok because nail polish always made me think of handjobs.


I was late to meet her at lunchtime in a pub that was famous because Jack the Ripper had killed someone there. We had some drinks and played connect 4. I noticed she was wearing nail polish and told her it looked nice and she seemed to blush and I felt good. I won ~7 games of connect 4 in a row and she got frustrated and I internally debated whether it was funny or mean and whether I should stop winning while I won ~2 more games.

We went to buy dinner at a supermarket. I became increasingly fixated on something called “Indian meal… for two!” Melanie repeatedly indicated she didn’t really like spicy food. I couldn’t stop laughing at — and ended up buying and cooking us — the “Indian meal… for two!”. We ate only very little of the food before leaving to meet some mutual friends at a bar.

At one point in the evening — as a complete non-sequitur — I asked if I could lick Melanie’s eyeball. She got extremely animated and said I definitely should and someone filmed it happening. Our mutual friends seemed amused and a little worried. Melanie and I decided to go back to my flat.

We kissed on my bed for a while. Melanie told me it was the first time she’d ever gone home with someone the first night of spending time with them and I felt good. We got undressed and I went down on her but seemed unable to get a useable erection because I was drunk or nervous. She repeatedly asked what was wrong and I felt confused and bad. I lay on top of her and smiled and reached down and grabbed and massaged her foot and she made an unhappy noise. After a moment, she said it was ok and she was used to it. After another moment she smiled and said she liked it now and I felt defeated and happy but I still didn’t have an erection. I said sorry and she said it was good because she didn’t have to feel like a slut and we kissed a little more and slept.


In the morning, the weather was nice and we went to buy food for a picnic. I directed us for ~30min towards a park I liked. The park was closed because it was being prepared for the Olympics. We came back to my flat and had our picnic on my floor, moving a little sometimes to stay in a shaft of sun.

It started getting dark and we lay and hugged on my sofa and kissed for a while. My friend Camilla phoned to tell me that she was coming over because of something to do with the sky and the direction that my windows face. While I was talking to Camilla on the phone, I gently hit Melanie’s hand into my crotch to show her I had an erection and she smiled and looked sneaky. After I got off the phone I kissed Melanie and pointed at her fingernails and said she should give me a handjob. We kissed and she gave me a handjob and I made a mess. I said, “I feel 14 again. Basically you just halved my age with a single sexual act.” We were trying to clean up when Camilla buzzed to say she was downstairs.

I put more pillows on the sofa and Camilla came in and the three of us looked out of the window for ~10 minutes at Jupiter, Mars and Venus which were lined up perfectly. I played some Stars Of The Lid and Melanie said she didn’t like it so I played Korean pop music and Melanie said she didn’t like it but Camilla and I were dancing.

Camilla went home and Melanie went back to Manchester. Melanie fairly regularly invited me to visit her and I didn’t go to visit her. For the next month, every night on my way home from work I looked at Jupiter, Mars and Venus steadily scattering and I felt hilarious and basically alive and stupid. TC mark

Crispin Best

Crispin Best has lived in Manchester, Tokyo and Cambridge. He now lives in London, next door to where he grew up.