January 28, 2013

Everyone I've Never Had Sex With, Pt. 2

Shutterstock
Shutterstock

Lily

I saw that Lily had looked at my OkCupid profile and so messaged her and invited her to a poetry reading that I was planning to attend. When we met, she was small and distracted and we sang Phil Collins in the street while I pretended not to be lost looking for the venue. She said she wanted to have sex with Eric from The Little Mermaid. I said I wanted to have sex with Mulan and she shook her head.

I knew Calvin would be at the venue so I texted him “don’t come over and sit with us when we get there.” When we got there, Calvin and his girlfriend saw us and came straight over and sat with us. The poetry was good and I felt like a smart kid for having brought her there.

In the interval, Calvin and his girlfriend went outside to have a cigarette and Lily asked if she was in the way and if she should go home. I said no and she kissed me. When Calvin and his girlfriend came back they sat somewhere else.

At the end of the reading, Lily and I left and walked around confused on the streets again. Lily walked us into a supermarket and put ~4 wine miniatures in her pockets and walked out of the supermarket. I blinked a lot at the drinks cabinet and then walked out of the shop. I knew a gap in the railings of a nearby park and said we could go there to drink the wine. She stopped and said she wasn’t going to have sex with me on the first date, and definitely not in a park. She looked at me in a serious way and then walked towards the park.

In the park, we drank the wine and talked for a long time and kissed more and the night sky was blue-orange and good. At one point, Lily suddenly pushed me backwards and straddled me and said, “Well — OK — you can fuck me now.” She started unbuttoning something on her skirt. I said she had told me she didn’t want that. She said she didn’t care and kept fiddling with her skirt but more slowly. I sat very quiet and confused and looked up at her and past her at the sky and she went quiet and told me to forget it. We quickly finished our wine and I got the train home.

_____

We met up again two days later at a funfair that she had heard was in town. She smiled and showed me more wine miniatures she had brought.

The rides were extremely low quality. One ride was ostensibly ‘jungle-themed’ but had pictures of The Terminator, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee Jones’ character from Men in Black painted on the external walls. White foam was puffing out of tears in the seats on all of the rides. We went on a ghost train and some water sprayed in my mouth and I felt like there was definitely no source of fresh water nearby and I panicked.

We went to a pub and talked about why we hadn’t had sex in the park. Later, I told Lily I didn’t understand why people act so worked up and crazy about sex and she started crying and said I was making excuses for not finding her attractive. I told her I thought she was good looking and she asked me if I was a rapist, that she had read about how people try to wear girls down by sending mixed messages and that she said she should go home before I did a murder and a rape on her.

We left the pub and started walking and I offered to walk her home and she stopped in the street and said there was no way she was letting me know where she lived. She seemed very drunk and I didn’t want to leave her in the street. I suggested she could come back to my flat because I had a sofa where I could sleep and she could lock the door of my room and sleep in there. She agreed and we got the bus. She stopped and bought more wine on the way.

When we got to my flat, I sat on the sofa and she sat on the floor and drank more wine and texted my address to a number of her friends. I showed her the room where she could sleep and she looked at me and said, “You can do what you want to me, but no filming it and no pissing or anal” with a neutral/serious facial expression. I walked back into the other room and sat on the sofa. She sat next to me and said, “That was a joke but seriously let’s go to bed.” We lay on my bed and she said, “OK — let’s make out for 90 minutes.” We kissed and she took off her top and she looked good. After a while she said, “Look, you can just cum on me if you need. Back or front, I don’t mind.” I felt confused and laughed and she rolled over and we went to sleep.

In the morning I made her a cup of tea and we said goodbye and I lamely tried to hug her and she left.

Ruth

I met Ruth at an event where I was reading and her band was playing. Some weeks later she followed me on Twitter. We sent each other links to YouTube videos via Twitter for several weeks.

One evening I had taken a large amount of Ritalin and texted her a large amount of romantic things over a period of ~4 hours.

Over the next few months, every now and then I would receive semi-romantic messages from her and would reply in a friendly/neutral way.

Another night, I took MDMA with Calvin and Steve and Mark (who was her ex-boyfriend) and texted her a large amount of romantic things over a period of ~4 hours.

_____

Eventually we met up at an art gallery. There was a video installation where a woman walked down a street in slow motion and smashed the windows of cars using a huge flower. We sat and watched the video for a long time until the gallery closed and we had to leave. On the way out, there was a video of a naked man dancing in a forest and we said things like, “Wow — that’s a nice dick,” and, “A truly terrific dick, 8/10, would suck,” for ~5 minutes until they asked us again to leave. We left and went to get something to drink.

Ruth needed to leave to go to an event; she said I should come but I didn’t like the line-up.

She said I should come anyway or I could meet her after, but I said I would just go home.

She said, “Look,” and seemed to indicate the tights she was wearing and then her eye make-up. I said I thought she looked nice and she screwed up her face. I walked away and felt confused and found a dead bumblebee on the floor. I picked up the bumblebee and decided to carry it home with me.

I got home and put the bumblebee on my bookshelf. I searched my phone and found a recent text message where I had told Ruth, “Remember: all you need to do is wear tights and eyeliner and I will definitely want to have sex with you #lifehacks.” I felt bad and texted her that it was good to hang out and told her again that she looked really good.

_____

The bumblebee was on the same shelf for ~4 months until it fell off and just broke in half and I threw it away.

Nora

Nora was the person in London with whom I had highest ‘match percentage’ on OkCupid. She was very late to our first date. While I was waiting, a ~60year-old man sat next to me for ~10 minutes and kept looking at me. I gently fluctuated between being totally certain he was Nora and being almost totally certain he was Nora. I looked at a furniture brochure that I had found on the chair and started to panic and tried to imagine the facial expressions and internal life of a person interested in furniture. Nora arrived and she was very attractive and I felt suddenly and wildly nervous and decided I needed to act grumpy to hide it.
Nora and I went and saw a Christopher Hitchens event at the Royal Festival Hall. It somehow seemed like a remembrance event even though he was still alive at the time. Sean Penn did a reading via a ‘Google+ hangout’ which cut out every 1 or 2 minutes. Every time it cut out, I thought “Wow the acoustics are great in this Google+ hangout!” Salman Rushdie said the words “hysterical sex in the time of cholera”. Richard Dawkins seemed like sort of a massive idiot actually.

Afterwards, I walked us toward a Korean place I wanted to eat at. Nora stopped outside a pizza place and said we could just get pizza. We went in. I felt a strong desire to be eating Korean food while I selected a large slice for myself. I said I’d buy hers too and she chose two large slices. I blinked a few times and she said one was for breakfast. I felt unsure about what was happening and felt a strong desire to be eating Korean food as I paid for the three pizza slices.

We bought beer from a corner shop and sat in Trafalgar Square and talked about her music career and ate our pizza. At one point, while trying to catch an olive that was falling off my pizza, I knocked and spilled about a quarter of my beer into Nora’s bag. It seemed terrible but she nodded and quietly said it was OK. I wiped her bag with my hoodie sleeve for a long time while thinking “What would Derren Brown do?” and feeling uncertain. A policeman told us we couldn’t drink there and I felt incredibly positive towards him and thankful. We walked to the station and I said “At least I can wink when I tell my friends I bought you breakfast,” and sighed. We said goodbye quickly and it seemed final and that seemed ok.

_____

A week later, I was drinking with Calvin, Mark and Steve. Nora texted me saying she was bored and so I invited her to where we were. She got lost and texted saying “I’m in a car park,” and then, “I saw a car park so I went into the car park.” I laughed and ran dramatically out of the pub. I found Nora walking in the wrong direction and walked back with her to the pub. She drank whiskey and I drank beer.

Soon the bar was closing. We started to leave and Nora said I could stay at hers. She lived near my friends so we all got the train together. Mark invited us to his and Steve’s house to have another drink.

At Mark’s house in the kitchen two girls were drinking and playing guitars. There were only four free chairs so I sat on the floor. The girls played music for a while and then offered Nora a guitar. Calvin, Mark and Steve started smoking. There was a cat on the floor with me by the back door. The cat wanted to go outside and it kept looking at me and then pressing its face into the glass, as if it kept forgetting what glass is. The cat looked at me and did cat crying and forgot what glass is again. I tweeted “Have you guys ever hung out with animals? wow.”

Nora sang a song and had a good voice and then sang another song. The songs were serious and extremely long and people were very quiet. Calvin texted me from the table teasing me about the what was happening. One of the girls joined in, attempting to harmonise with Nora’s song. The cat was sneezing and I was thinking about cats sneezing and I typed the text message “Jesus” on my phone and sent it to Calvin every ~20 secs (~8 times).

After Nora finished singing, one of the girls told Nora her songs were amazing multiple times. Nora said, “Well, it’s my job,” and the room was quiet apart from the girl again telling Nora she was amazing.

Calvin, Mark and Steve smoked and made faces at each other and it was quiet. I looked at the cat and felt like someone using Photoshop had made my opacity very low.

Nora came and sat with me and wanted to know why I was just sitting on the floor. I said I was being with the cat for a while and she should too if she wanted. I told her she had an amazing voice and she kissed me. I felt awkward because of the people in the room staring at us. Nora stopped kissing me and said, “Go on,” as if she wanted me to keep complimenting her. I blinked a lot and put my hand on her leg and looked at my hand. We sat there quietly with the cat for ~5 minutes while the other girls played songs again. Nora left the room and went upstairs.

After ~10mins I walked upstairs and Nora was sitting on the stairs with one hand on the bannister. She looked at me and said, “What the fuck?” I laughed and she said, “No. What the actual fuck? How old are you?” I told her my age and she said, “Well you are acting as if you’re 20 or something.” She told me I kissed like I’d never kissed anyone. She was quiet for a moment and then walked past me and down the stairs and got her bag from the kitchen. In the hallway, she said it was nice meeting me and hugged me and shook her head and left. TC mark

Crispin Best

Crispin Best has lived in Manchester, Tokyo and Cambridge. He now lives in London, next door to where he grew up.