Everyone I've Never Had Sex With, Pt. 1
When Annie moved to South America she got lonely and we Gchatted a lot. When she moved back to London we arranged to meet at the launch of a book written by Werner Herzog’s son. We met Werner Herzog’s son. We left and went to a bar to get drunk.
At the bar, during a lull in conversation, I said “Crispin is typing dot dot dot” and felt good. Sometimes — while I was talking — Annie would suddenly cover my mouth, or calmly punch me in the head and it was nice. We left the bar and Annie was the same height as me and for two minutes I didn’t know what to do with my arms.
Annie wanted fried chicken and I wanted beer, it was late and we didn’t have enough money to buy both. Annie told me to take the money to buy beer and when I came back she ta-dah’d a bucket of chicken from behind her back. She gave me her phone so I could find out when was her last train home. While I was distracted using her phone to ask a man at a helpdesk what time her train would be running until, Annie kissed me. Her mouth was cold. We kissed for a second and then I apologised to the man at the helpdesk and asked him again when the last train was and Annie frowned and ate more chicken. We started walking and kissed against a building and said we would go to my house.
At the train station, Annie said “If I don’t go home my parents will ask so many questions,” and then — when I didn’t reply — “I don’t know — it’s really not worth it.” I nodded and quickly walked away and got on my train.
The next week we met up at a bar. We drank for a while. Annie made me open my mouth and touched the roof of my mouth with her finger and said it was disgusting. I touched the roof of hers and it was smooth and nice and I told her so. My friend Calvin arrived at the bar with a girl. They had one drink and left and Annie and I drank more and kissed. She said we should go back to my flat, “but I’m not going to sleep with you.”
I sat opposite Annie on the train and I looked at her and she looked good and I looked around the train carriage and felt proud, I think.
At my flat, we got into bed and kissed and took off a few arbitrary items but remained mostly clothed. After a while, I took off her dress and she looked good. She took off my shirt and pulled me down toward her and wrapped her legs around me and held me in place while we kissed. I felt vague and constricted and she touched my crotch and I didn’t have an erection. Annie got up and went to the toilet and came back and asked if she could borrow a t-shirt. She lay down and faced the wall and I touched her back and she asked me to stop.
One night, about a month later, I sent Annie a long string of highly romantically desperate texts while on MDMA. She responded to all of them in a seemingly calm and amused way.
A few weeks after that, we had to share Calvin’s couch after staying late and getting drunk at his house. We were kissing a lot and I got confused thinking “Can I have sex with Annie for the first time here on this couch without a condom while I can hear Calvin’s huge dog outside the room whimpering trying to get in or is that extremely bad and/or fucked?” I tried to finger Annie in a clumsy way. We fell asleep.
Two weeks later Annie moved to America.
I met Carrie at my friend Simon’s party. The following weeks, we talked on Facebook a lot and eventually arranged to meet up again at a pub. I think because she was nervous or confused, she invited Simon and Simon’s girlfriend to come too, so I decided to invite my friend Vijay.
Vijay and I got to the pub late. It seemed like there wasn’t space at their table for us so we said hello but went and sat somewhere else. After fifteen minutes, Carrie came over and quietly called me a shithead and asked me to at least walk her home when she left.
I walked Carrie home and she invited me in. She introduced me to her pet giant snail. She poured some beer into the snail’s tank. The snail didn’t seem to be moving. Carrie showed me round the rest of the flat and it seemed big and everything was extremely neat. When we came back past the snail tank, the beer was gone. I looked at the snail and he still wasn’t moving and he didn’t seem drunk and I nodded. I sat on the sofa and Carrie played some seemingly ‘sexy’ R ‘n’ B. She sat beside me on the sofa and looked at me intensely and told me that she understood the games I was playing even better than I did and that it was OK. I felt extremely confused and wanted to leave. I stood up to go and she said I could stay if I wanted. I said I had work in the morning and went home.
~6 weeks later I was online late at night and had been drinking alone for several hours. Carrie had posted a new Facebook profile picture and I clicked “Like”. ~3 minutes later I received a direct message on Twitter from Carrie just saying “EVERYTHING YOU DO IS INSINCERE.” We messaged back and forth and she told me she was about to leave a club where she was having a bad time. I asked if she could bring me milk because I wanted a cup of tea. She said she would bring milk and I told her my address.
Carrie arrived in a cab at ~2.30am. She had bought some milk. I made us both a cup of tea. We drank it and then I made us a rum and orange juice. We listened to pop music compilations from the early 1990s and tried to see who could guess the name of the song first. She was better at it than me. I drank more rum. She told me her pet snail had died. I touched her leg and she said I had really hurt her feelings the evening I brought Vijay to the pub. I apologised and we talked seriously for ~40 minutes while early 1990s pop music played until she phoned a cab. We talked for another ~15mins while early 1990s pop music played, sometimes breaking off to guess titles and sometimes not.
Carrie’s phone rang which meant the cab was outside. I kissed her and said she should stay. She looked at me and the phone rang again. She kissed me and said, “You could have had it all,” and she stood up and left.
Helen messaged me on OkCupid at ~8pm on a Friday night. We messaged back and forth until ~8.45pm when we agreed to meet to have a drink. We met at ~10.30pm and talked at each other loudly in a fun way. By ~1am I was drunk and had an argument with her and went home.
Helen texted the next morning saying we should forget about the argument and try meeting up again that day. I got a bus to the area she lived and we walked aimlessly in a nature reserve. After a while, we sat down and Helen picked ugly flowers and told funny stories about periods and anal sex. We started walking again and it became obvious we were walking back towards the area where I lived. We went into a shop and Helen selected items so that she could cook dinner for us.
At my house we drank ~4 bottles of red wine. Helen went to the window and got out her phone. She put her friend on speakerphone and I said “Hi. I’m not going to do a murder. Honest,” loudly from across the room and her friend seemed convinced.
My Last.fm indicates we listened to >100 Jonathan Richman songs that evening.
We kissed and went to bed and Helen said she didn’t want us to have sex because she hadn’t shaved her legs in a week. We kissed more and after a while she said we should have sex. ~10 seconds after that she said we definitely shouldn’t have sex. She slept next to me wearing her jeans.
The next weekend we ate at an Ethiopian restaurant and discussed mutual friends we had since realised existed. We went to a bar that had a kind of “Oregon Trail” style wagon in it and sawdust on the floor and I was confused. I didn’t like the people there and said I was tired and we had an argument and Helen cried. We left the bar and she told me no-one had made her feel as bad as I did in years and goodbye. She walked away and I stood where I was and it was raining. I started to walk toward where I guessed a bus that I could catch would be. My phone rang and it was Helen saying where she was and that I should find her. I walked and found her. We talked while standing in the rain for ~30 minutes. I repeatedly said I should go home because I was upsetting her and she repeatedly said we should go to her house and drink more and it would be OK. I bought wine and some chocolate chip cookies for us.
We drank the wine at Helen’s house. There were slugs on the walls inside by the back door. She went to the toilet and I tried to put an audio cassette in a tape player and blinked and realised I was very drunk. I went and looked more closely at the slugs on the wall and there were more slugs in the cat food bowl and I felt confused. I walked into Helen’s room and took off my clothes and got in her bed and closed my eyes.
Some minutes later Helen came in and lay next to me and touched me and she was cold and I screamed. I said to please not to touch me because I was cold from the rain and she was making me colder and I wanted to sleep. She repeatedly asked “Why won’t you have sex with me,” while I said that I was cold and wanted to sleep. I said I should go home while putting on my clothes to leave. Helen blocked the door and I saw for the first time that she had nice matching underwear and she looked good. She hugged me for a long time while I said I was sorry and that she looked good and that I didn’t like that I kept making her upset. She cried more and said I should stay and that she didn’t understand and I hugged her and I went home.
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You break it to them as softly as can. They immediately beg you to stay.
As much as I appreciate someone telling me to keep my chin up when going through a hard time, I’m fairly certain I’d rather them let me punch dance out my rage in their backyard.
At their biological core, men are ruled by sexuality. They identify potential mates using their eyes first, while women take a more complicated approach.
You probably thought I was going to recommend Orange Is The New Black but I’m not.