Me And Alanis Morissette
It’s been less than a week since I quit my job and I’m already pretty hard up for real human interaction during business hours. In fact, so in need of conversation am I by the time lunch rolls around that I often find myself speaking to inanimate objects in my apartment, like my roommate’s rice cooker and Kelly, the green jacket that hangs on a hook in the hallway outside my bedroom.
Admittedly, this morning I reached such a loneliness low that I may or may not have parked myself in front of my Jambox and attempted to force a conversation out of Alanis Morissette’s 1995 multiplatinum-selling album Jagged Little Pill.
TRACK: “All I Really Want”
Alanis Morissette: Do I stress you out?
Me: No, not really. Well, actually, your breakup with Ryan Reynolds did kind of make me a little bit sa…
Alanis Morissette: Do I wear you out?
Me: What? Oh, um, no. But like I was just saying about your relationship with Ry…
Alanis Morissette: Why are you so petrified of silence?
Me: I’m not. I mean, I’m literally talking right now, but you seem entirely uninterested in what I have to sa…
Alanis Morissette: Here, can you handle this?
Me: Are you referring to all of the interruptions? Because I gotta say, they’re already starting to make me feel a little upse…
Alanis Morissette: Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines or when you think you’re gonna die, or did you long for the next distraction?
Me: Woah. Shit. I…ugh…what?
TRACK: “You Oughta Know”
Alanis Morissette: Would she go down on you in a theater?
Me: Excuse me? Alanis, I’m gay.
Alanis Morissette: Does she speak eloquently?
Me: Who, pray tell, are we talking about?
Alanis Morissette: Would she have your baby?
Me: I. Don’t. Know. Her. And even if I did, she’d probably charge me like $100,000. That’s pretty much the going rate for surrogacy these da…
Alanis Morissette: Does she know how you told me you’d hold me until you died?
Me: You’re kinda creepin’ me out with that one, I gotta be honest.
Alanis Morissette: Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?
Me: Nope. Still here. Also, my name is Corey.
Alanis Morissette: Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?
Me: I’m gay. G–A–Y. Like super into boys. So no offense, you’re very nice looking, but I’d probably be thinking about, like, George Clooney or that guy from the Allstate commercials.
TRACK: “Perfect”
Alanis Morissette: How long before you screw it up?
Me: Que?
Alanis Morissette: How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up?
Me: Zero. You have literally told me to hurry up zero times. Ever.
Alanis Morissette: What’s the problem?
Me: I have no problem, except maybe that you’re a really hard person to talk to, Alanis Morissette.
Alanis Morissette: Why are you crying?
Me: I’m not crying. I just…have something…in my eye.
TRACK: “Head Over Feet”
Alanis Morissette: What took me so long?
Me: Again, what?
TRACK: “Mary Jane”
Alanis Morissette: What’s the matter, Mary Jane?
Me: COREY. My name is Corey. Remember? I’m the gay one who doesn’t think about you during sex?
Alanis Morissette: What’s the point of trying to dream anymore?
Me: I’m not sure I ever really try, to be honest. It just kind of happens when I eat greasy food right before I fall aslee…
Alanis Morissette: Do you ever wonder who you’re losing it for?
Me: I might, if I knew what the fuck you were talking about.
TRACK: “Ironic”
Alanis Morissette: Isn’t it ironic?
Me: Isn’t what ironic?
Alanis Morissette: Don’t you think?
Me: Again, what the fuck are you asking me?
Alanis Morissette: And isn’t it ironic?
Me: I’m not sure, Alanis. Look, to be perfectly honest I don’t even rea…
Alanis Morissette: Don’t you think?
Me: Don’t I think what?
Alanis Morissette: And isn’t it ironic?
Me: Are you referring to all the spoons? Because I’m not sure that’s iro…
Alanis Morissette: Don’t you think?
Me: No. I think all of those things might just be shitty luck.
TRACK: “Not the Doctor”
Alanis Morissette: Hey, what are you hungry for?
Me: I’m not really that hun…actually, I’d really love a soft pretzel if you have one.
Alanis Morissette: Well, what do you think of me?
Me: That depends. Are you getting me the pretzel or not?
Alanis Morissette: What do you think me for?
Me: I’m confused. Is that not pretty much the same question you just asked me one second ago?
TRACK: “Your House”
Alanis Morissette: Would you forgive me love, if I danced in your shower?
Me: Whatever you do in the shower is your business, ugh, love? Just don’t use the shampoo that’s in the blue bottle. My roommate will literally cut you.
Alanis Morissette: Would you forgive me love, if I laid in your bed?
Me: So what, you’re like moving in now?
Alanis Morissette: Would you forgive me love, if I stay all afternoon?
Me: No. Actually, you better just go before all afternoon turns into forever. Creep.