How Tinder Has Turned Us All Into Undateable Monsters

One day I will be 34, reading the Sunday news digitally on my iPhone 17 (by this time I am sure its features will include a built in hologram, detachable levitating surround sound speakers and if we are lucky it may double as a fucking can opener).

Anyways, I will be reading the New York Times on the holographic image projected in front of me and my daughter will jump up into my lap accidentally racking my nuts in the process.
Through a lisp, hopefully very similar to Dustin’s on Stranger Things, she will ask, “Hey Dad, how did you and mom meet?”

As pain shoots up into my stomach I will quietly respond through muffled frustration, “Well honey, I met your mother on Tinder..”

Perplexed she will then ask, “What is Tinther..?”

I imagine how ridiculous I will feel when I explain to her the concept of Tinder, Twitter Direct Messages or any other digital form of media that led to her mother and I’s marriage; and then of course the existence of her.

The latter I anticipate being a much more difficult conversation. I have decided I will have the Birds and The Bees Talk with my offspring through a blog series; touching on a number of subjects ranging from “Proper Condom Usage” to “100 Things Guys Will Say to Get in Your Pants”.

Yes, this will be a shareable PDF… subscribe to my monthly email list and you will receive it in roughly 12 years, save for any unplanned pregnancies.

Today, I unfortunately and fortunately, can’t give you advice on parenthood; I can however take a moment to shed some light on how much of a hilarious disaster it is to date in my generation.

1. Texting? Talking? Dating?

I remember the first time I attempted to explain to my parents that I wasn’t ‘dating’ a girl, but rather ‘talking’ to her. They sat across from me like a pair of deer staring into the headlights of an F-150, completely and utterly perplexed. One of them eventually asked, “So…She isn’t your girlfriend, but she isn’t your friend either?” I nodded my head yes, and they responded, “Well, that’s kind of stupid.”

2. Ultra Flakiness

Here is a joke… Two people decide they are going to get drinks next weekend. They text and reschedule, text and reschedule, text and reschedule… until eventually one of them dies of old age and the drinks are never had. Morbid, yet frighteningly true.

3. Netflix & Chill

The meme has practically littered the internet for the past year, for good reason. Guys, are under the impression that a creative fun date consists of receiving a blow job while watching Stranger Things. First of all, Stranger Things is so good that it is arguably better than sex, or at least good enough that sex can wait. Secondly, we all should be paying more attention to Dustin’s lispy wisdom. If he were a blogger, I would be out of business. In all seriousness, guys it’s time to step up our game. My boy Taylor Mathis told me he took a girl on a first date to get coffee and then they drove around town for several hours listening to music and talking. I thought to myself, “That’s fucking brilliant.” Then executed a jumping fist pump, coupled with a high kick to accurately demonstrate my excitement.

4. We Kind of Know Each Other

“Hey! We follow each other on Instagram, I like 75% of your pictures, but now that we are in the same room I am going to act like you are a stranger.” Okay, this fucking sucks, and we are all guilty of it. No matter how advanced social media gets, we are never going to be able to shake someone’s hand through the phone. Likes, hearts, and retweets are great to pat the ego, but they don’t equate to an introduction. Coming from an introvert who is awkward as hell in large social gatherings, it’s time for all of us to get out of our digital shells.

5. Post Pictures so I Know It’s Real

We place such an ungodly amount of emphasis on social media in our relationships that we are bound to fail before we ever start. I think Frank Ocean’s Facebook Story sums my point up here perfectly. It’s a story told by a French DJ and Music producer named Sebastian Akchote-Bozovic. It talks about how his girlfriend of three years broke up with him because he wouldn’t accept her on Facebook. His accent is badass and the story really hits home, check it out.