November 7, 2013

The 13 Types Of People You Meet In Hell

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What is the issue?

Jean-Paul Sartre may have said, “Hell is other people.” What he didn’t mention though was that there are certain types of people who go above and beyond even these expectations. We all have our character flaws, but these types of people have some of the most glaringly ridiculous ones. If you fall into one of the categories though, there’s no need to worry — at least you know your weakness.

1. Desperate Dave

This is the guy you always have to spot. A piece of pizza here, a round of drinks there, maybe even a bigger ticket item like dinner or one of those expensive IMAX 3D movies. “I promise I’ll pay you back, man.” Sure you will, sure you will.

2. Spontaneous Spoilers

You’ll be watching a movie with these people, and they’ll casually toss out the ending like you did something egregious and they were enacting their revenge. So too this goes with TV series and books. I had a friend who found out from a classmate that Dobby the Elf dies in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows before she’d finished reading it. She burst out crying in the middle of class. Don’t be the person instigating Dobby-related tears.

3. Kissy-kissy Couples

- One kiss in front of you: Cool, they like each other.

- Two kisses plus batting their eyes at each other in literally the most saccharine way possible: Yep, they definitely like each other; I already knew that though considering they’re dating.

- Impromptu make-out session: Hey guys, your friends are in fact still here and we did in fact come to hang out with you.

- They continue to make-out: Gotcha, I’ll just show myself to the door now.

4. The Grammar Nazi

“Ummm… isn’t it The Diary of A Frank”?

5. The Pathetic Tipper

Writing in “sorry I’m broke” or just putting a dash through the “tip” line is about as low as you can get. Servers in America depend on tips to make a living. Maybe don’t order a drink with your ridiculously large Olive Garden pasta if it’s going to keep you from tipping. Maybe don’t go eat out at all.

6. Psychotic Status Updaters

We’ve seen the Tweets and the Facebook status updates. Something sad has happened in your life, and we as your friends/acquaintances/we-literally-met-once-at-a-party-six-years-ago followers indeed emphasize with you. We’re just not so sure that social media is the best outlet for your depression and existential crises. At least @ your Tweets to your psychiatrist.

7. Constant Complainers

These are the people for whom you must plan everything perfectly. Then even after every detail of the itinerary has been meticulously arranged… “It’s just not what I was expecting. It’s all right though I guess, but I think I’m going to head out early.”

8. Passive aggressors

“Well if it were my way, we would’ve gone to see the new Leo DiCaprio film. But it’s fine. I’m not mad, just upset. But really, it’s fine.”

9. People who make tongue-in-cheek judgments vis-à-vis listicles.

10. Class Clown

People are paying to be in this class to hear the teacher, not to hear about how your hilarious friend Ted made a bong out of an apple. And how does that relate to Biology 201 again? Also, tell Ted congrats on the creativity.

11. Careless Cathy

You walk into a department store and you sort through clothes, unfurling them, wrinkling them. A somewhat thoughtful person would refold them. So too goes with the friend who spends the night and doesn’t make the bed or the buddy who is always late to events you had planned well in advance.

12. Mouthy Moviegoers

I would rather you engage in some heavy petting or even a handy with your significant other rather than make a single comment during a film. Whether it’s “Don’t go in there!” or “Oh my god, I love this!” or “I see where this is going,” you should not be speaking. It. Is. Movie. Time. Please don’t ruin it!

13. Articulate Arguers

Great debaters fall into the same category as charismatic people and the unfathomably beautiful. No matter what you say these people are going to say it better and look good doing it. For them, it’s about style, not content; but, most of the time, that’s all they really need. TC mark

image – Michael Cordedda
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