New Rules For 2012
By Ciara Flynn
1. If you are straight and older than the average college senior, you are not allowed to have any Facebook relationship status other than “single” or “married.” If you are gay and live in a state where marriage is not legal for gays, and yet you are in a relationship that would be marriage without that stupid and bigoted restriction, you may say “in a relationship with ____ ” and add your partner’s name. “It’s complicated” and the OMFG so awful “divorced” are banned in all cases. Engaged is fine for 12 months or less.
Alternatively, hide your relationship status altogether! This will save you from ever having to tell a friend how you are agonizing over whether to go public with your relationship on Facebook, because that is a conversation that real live grownups should not have.
2. You have to say more than “happy birthday” on someone’s Facebook wall, or nothing at all. “Happy birthday, my love.” “Happy birthday to the best sister ever.” “Happy birthday to the only person who could make me laugh in sophomore algebra.” All of these are good. Plain old “Happy birthday” or, heaven for-fend, “happy bday!” from your old next door neighbor’s uncle — not necessary. Save that bandwidth for shoe shopping and porn, just like Al Gore intended.
3. No cell phone conversations lasting longer than 30 seconds anywhere that people are forced to listen — on the bus, on the train, on the plane, in the checkout lane. It’s a pain. Refrain.
4. If you’re 25 or older, start with the assumption that you will split the check 50/50. Exceptions to the rule should be truly exceptional (like, one person had a glass of wine and one person had a three-course meal.) (I stole this but can’t remember where from — anybody?)
5. Is one of us having a medical crisis requiring swift intervention? If not, don’t speak to me when I am inside a bathroom stall at work. RELATED: All public restrooms are now required to pipe in music at a level sufficient to drown out… everything.
6. That one overly friendly security guard has to stop talking to me, now and forever. I know you think my hair is pretty, and that I am a “smiley lady,” but I spend my whole day trying to avoid you when I have to leave my cube, and it makes my stomach hurt. Sssshhhh.
7. At public pools, it should be adult swim for 45 minutes and free swim for 15 minutes, not the reverse. Kids have no sense of time and they need to learn patience anyway. Teenagers should have their own pool far, far away.
8. If you break up with me when I still love you, you may never have sexual contact with another human being again. No kissing, fondling, quickies, nothing. You can appeal for clemency, technically, but I wouldn’t bother if I were you. Jackass.
9. People with a DC drivers license go to the front of the line at restaurants, and all patio/ rooftop seating is reserved for DC citizens. This includes cafes.
10. My sister’s 4-year-old neighbor comes to the fence whenever she is out back. The other day, they were chatting, and his mother called out from behind the privacy fence two doors down: “Honey, remember the rule — no talking to people if they are reading a book!” BEST RULE EVER.
11. You are only allowed to honk your car horn five times per year, so mete them out wisely.