1. DiGiorno Pizza
There’s delivery, then there’s your average frozen pizza, then there’s DiGiorno, which is the best of both worlds. It’s elite pizza that you can basically have at a moments notice – it’s like ordering takeout but the pizza joint is a mere 8 feet away in your kitchen. No tipping the driver or exiting your home, just happiness stocked in your freezer. As a human, DiGiorno would be like the ultimate stay at home boyfriend/girlfriend who is always waiting for your glorious return home, but in a charming way that accommodates your needs.
Also, DiGiorno is so romantic and caring as well, providing tender love and affection that strives to fit your specific preferences. “Do you want your crust softer or crisper?” DiGiorno asks seductively, as your loins tingle and you shudder from the sheer thought of that rising crust turning golden brown in your preheated oven. You’re so naughty, DiGiorno.
2. Little Caesars HOT-N-READY Pizza
It’s convenient that Little Caesars is regularly prepared for action the instant you’re in need, but I’m not sure if HOT-N-READY pizzas are relationship types or booty calls. Think about it, they are most sought after when you’re simply in need of acquiring a quick fix. You’d call Little Caesars HOT-N-READY pizzas at 2am on weekends when you’re feeling lonely, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’d like, put ‘In A Relationship With Little Caesars’ on Facebook or something.
3. $1 NY Pizza (Or cheap slices in general, $3 maximum)
Lance Pauker praised one buck slices, giving them the title of NYC’s greatest treasure. While I’ve only consumed a handful of slices during a few brief visits, I’m always left wanting more. Who was that beautiful slice I met for a couple precious moments and will I ever see/eat her again? I’d imagine those in NY with everyday access might occasionally take this person for granted, but if you were in a relationship with $1 slices, you’d certainly recognize that you’ve got keeper. You would hold on tight to this person and consider yourself lucky to have found an affordable, scrumptious significant other.
4. Papa John’s Pizza
The risk that would come with dating Papa John’s is that they possess an abundance of popularity (commercials) and famous friends (Peyton Manning), so if you ever split up you’d have to deal with seeing your ex everywhere. Ask yourself — is the cheese worth the grate? Is the inability to resist biting into scalding hot pizza worth the burnt mouth? Is the being judged by onlookers worth the napkin blotting? Methinks yes, at the very least you’d date Papa John’s Pizza just so you’d be able to say “Ugh, there’s my ex” 72 times every Sunday during football games.
5. Domino’s Pizza
Remember the Domino’s commercials that were relentlessly requesting your business? Many people felt as if Domino’s Pizza came off borderline desperate, so perhaps it’d be like dating a person who tries extremely hard to win your heart. Is that a bad thing though? In a world where effort is considered “thirsty” and looked at as a negative, I think Domino’s is arguably the most desirable of them all for their valiant efforts. They are the nice guy, they are the good girl, they are the dedicated lover and isn’t that really what we all want? Also, that Pizza Tracker is like a boyfriend/girlfriend who constantly lets you know of his/her whereabouts, which provides any insecure folks with some peace of mind.
6. Pizza Hut
Pizza Hut is that delightful person you’ve known since your childhood via Personal Pan Pizzas & the Book It! Program. Pizza Hut the person would obviously have a symmetrical face and a witty personality, glowing with a gorgeous aura that is borderline intimidating. If Pizza Hut was interested you’d certainly act because who can resist all of the aesthetically pleasing pies and filthy, flirtatious vernacular like hand tossed and cheese stuffed and all that. Pizza Hut is a gem who’d reek of unattainability, but if you just got confident and looked at it as a regular human/pizza establishment, or checked your mail for 17 pages worth of coupons, you’d see just how conquerable Pizza Hut’s heart is.
7. A Pizza Buffet
Whether it be CiCi’s, Peter Piper or whatever pizza buffet you have in your city, there’d be a lot to consider before jumping into a relationship with the human version. See, the problem with a buffet is that it’s an enabler – it’ll give you what you want and encourages you to indulge in your addictions. The pizza style desserts, the loss of self control, it’d be a slippery slope. Your bad habits would turn likely turn into full-blown lifestyles, so you’d have to proceed with caution when dating Pizza Buffets. Though the ending would likely be a massacre, the time leading up to it would be a glorious session of indulgence.
Lovability: Begginning & Middle: 9.8/10, Towards the end of relationship: -3/10