1. Wait, are you sure you want a boyfriend? Take a few minutes to reconsider. If this was because you saw an emotional Google ad or a sweet Groupon deal, hold your horses. What’s that, a well-priced horseback ride on Groupon is the deal that triggered this whole boyfriend idea? Oh, well, um, just be sure to do a pros and cons list first, but only write cons to prepare yourself for the worst-case, yet most likely scenario.
2. Still want one? I mean, boyfriends are a lot of responsibility. You have to feed it, clean it, walk it, bop it, twist it, pull it, grab it, etc. Plus, what are you going to do if when it pees on the carpet or ruins your favorite blouse or runs through the screen door or starts following an ex-girlfriend on Instagram?
3. If you’re still onboard, it appears you’ll be willing to go down with this ship so let’s get into the nitty-gritty. Speaking of sinking ships, this will be nothing like the Titanic. Downside? You won’t share a Rose and Jack type love. Plus side? Your boyfriend (probably) won’t die in icy, immobilizing Atlantic Ocean waters. Though, depending on how the relationship goes, that may become a downside as well.
4. Probably don’t look for aforementioned boyfriend at a bar or club. Many of these guys are just out seeking you know what. Oh you don’t know what? What = half priced mozzarella sticks, cheap brews, enthusiastic conversation about stale topics, and shots immediately followed by high-fives of approval for participation from their fellow shot taking friends. Oh, also no-strings-attached sex.
5. Avoid getting stuck in a foggy place. If you’re involved with a dude, don’t allow yourself to take part in a label-less, casual, uncommitted connection if that’s not what you want. Relationships are a promise whereas “We’re kind of, sort of talking I think?” is a sketchy looking bridge that you might make it across, but probably won’t and when it collapses you’ll be caught under rubble and have to amputate your own limbs to escape and James Franco won’t play you in a film based on your horrifying experiences.
6. Make the first move if you want a move to be made. It’s 2013 (or 2014, or 2015, or 2016 or I’m sure nobody will be reading this past then). Don’t think of him as an escalator that is going to move for you, think of him as a set of stairs that you can move up at your own pace.
7. Don’t hang out with anyone prettier/funnier/more charming than you. If you scoffed at that statement then riddle me this: If you went to a job interview with a subpar résumé written in crayon, would you bring along friends who have accolades and qualifications and typed up résumés that are printed on glossy paper and sexily three hole punched, resting on the coils of a leather-bound binder placed inside of a sleek, shiny briefcase? Would you do that? Don’t expect to leave with the job, Crayola, you stacked the deck against yourself.
8. Don’t give him the booty. They used to say “Why buy the cow when the milk is free?” but now it’s more like “Why buy the DVD when it’s streaming on Netflix. And if Netflix doesn’t have it, Redbox will. Also, DVDs are a dying medium so don’t buy those. Get Blu-rays like a respectable film watching adult.” Maybe that has nothing to do with the matter at hand, but that doesn’t make the part about DVDs having one foot in the grave not true.
9. Be better. If it’s someone amazing you seek, focus on being amazing yourself. You don’t want to be the sparkler next to the firework show or the Tooty Fruity Rings next to the Fruit Loops or the Low Winter Sun next to the Breaking Bad or the person who doesn’t know when a joke has run its course next to the person who is like okay seriously, bro, we get it.
10. Put your hands up, be up in the club doing your own little thing. Decide to dip and a brother will notice you. Get up on him and he’ll be up on you. Gloss your lips and a man will be on your hips, make sure you’re wearing Dereon jeans though – don’t know why, but I feel like that’s crucial. Lastly, you’re going to want to act up, have drink in your cup and I’m pretty sure you’ll have a boyfriend shortly thereafter.