1. It’s important to begin by asking yourself: What would Justin Timberlake do? Then ask yourself, what would a sexually deprived dude in a dimly lit basement do? Now find a cozy place in-between, but definitely leaning towards that horny, basement guy. Know in advance that if you aren’t what the general public finds physically attractive, you will widely be considered creepy, however if you’re aesthetically a 7.5 or higher, many people will ignore the rapey vibes you give off.
2. Write lyrics that are meaningless, but throw a hefty supply of sexuality in there, because mass appeal and stuff. Seriously though, it’s important that you don’t try to get all philosophical or eloquent. Limit the topics of discussion to body parts, things you want to do to body parts, things you think others might want you to do to their body parts, things you think others might want to do to your body parts, etc. Jump to all of the conclusions – people probably want you badly, so don’t be bashful with the assumptions.
3. Go download a neato font for the GIANT, RED TEXT that’ll constantly appear everywhere in your erratic video.
4. Use a distracting amount of #HASHTAGS. Why? Because #Marketing and stuff. #Duh.
5. Acquire two other musicians, preferably popular rappers, to be featured on your song. Even if they’re talented, have them dumb things down a few notches so that the stupidity of your lyrics aren’t as exposed as the lady parts in your video. If they’re not (e.g. 2 Chainz), then that’s even better.
6. Whisper-sing. Imagine trying to sing in the shower but it’s 2am and you don’t want to wake your roommates up. Maintain that mild-mannered tone throughout the majority of your song, only reaching higher octaves to put emphasis on particular phrases. E.g. “Tried to domesticate ‘cha!”
7. Wear your shades 23/7 – for that hour of sunglasslessness, be sure to thoroughly eye f-ck the camera. That’s right; impregnate every last Nikon lens with your pupils.
8. Mention how large your penis is. It’s big. It’s huge. It’s girthy. It’s thicke. Is it true? Maybe not, but others don’t know that. Hey, some dudes like to aggressively drive big, noisy trucks to overcompensate for their insecurities, others like to address their package size in lyrics or super adorable, silver balloon letters shown in their music videos. Different strokes.
9. When filming your video, take comfort in the fact that aside from the mandatory scantily clad women, it’s a free-for-all. No logic or storylines necessary, you’re too cute for that. Remember: THE MORE RANDOM, THE BETTER. Now, from what we’ve learned so far, below is a prime example of the type of mindless, drivel screenshot that one should be able to capture at any given point in your video:
10. Don’t be afraid to Google things if it’ll prevent you from asking stupid questions within your songs. CLICK HERE FOR A BETTER UNDERSTANDING. Or I guess, if we’re trying to create a Robin Thicke song here, just ask the dumb question and smirk like your innuendo is clever.
11. Even if you clearly have talent, make it hard to appreciate that by doing things that are bound to offend several members of a large group. Robin has made misogyny his specialty by casting women fully willing to participate and be objectified in his videos, which many folks find distasteful. Remember – you may have a great voice and potential to create meaningful, relatable, relevant music – but boobs, butts, simplicity and hashtags are much easier to sell.