Thought Catalog
July 30, 2013

20 Signs You Might Be Spending Too Much Time On The Internet

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What is the issue?
In defense of anyone who feels personally victimized by this list, there is no actual proof that such a thing as “too much time on the Internet” even exists. Right? RIGHT? Someone tell me that’s right, because the majority of these points essentially sum up my life.

1. You’ve experienced almost losing your mind because you had too many windows & tabs opened and couldn’t locate the obnoxious ad that kept playing in one of ‘em. It requires a Liam Neeson in Taken type aggression to search for, find and eliminate that pesky window.

2. Making a joke and hearing crickets does a number on your psyche, but it’s not nearly as emotionally taxing as zero likes on what you consider a clever status. Likes and retweets are basically the stuff your confidence is made of. 20+ Facebook likes can pole-vault you from Steve Urkel to Stefan Urquelle.

3. You know your debit card number, the expiration date, and even the security code on the back by heart, because of your constant online shopping habits.

4. You sometimes recognize certain stock photo models from seeing their cheesy faces on numerous websites.

5. You’ve learned about every big news story in recent memory via Twitter. In your defense, the reliability of random folks spread out across the globe often exceeds our incompetent news stations, which are constantly inaccurately reporting and/or misinforming the masses with hidden agendas.

6. You’re well aware what random, irrelevant entertainers and musicians are up to. If you’ve got the skinny on what Fred Durst was doing a few weeks ago, well that’s just some information you probably shouldn’t know.

7. There are few crises in the world that you fear more than a malfunctioning Wi-Fi connection. When that green or blue light turns orange or red, and you know this is going to leave you detached for more than just a moments, you freak. It basically feels as if you and the earth are parting ways. The GIF for that oh-crap-I-have-no-Internet emotion would look something like this:

Gravity
Gravity

8. You’re anticipating the day hashtags are embraced in the professional world so you can do things like write #Qualified on your résumé.

9. Watching television shows and movies on an actual TV has become a rarity for you. Hulu, Netflix, and illegal streaming/downloading (HA! Kidding, of course we don’t do that) have become your go-to methods of indulging yourself.

10. You’ve taken the previous point a step further by not even owning a TV. And not because you’re one of those smug, meh-I-don’t-watch-television-I’m-too-busy-being-a-vegan-and-signing-internet-petitions-for-important-causes people, but because you just don’t need one with your numerous other resources.

11. In conversations, you’ve actually spoken acronyms. For example, saying ‘L-O-L’ to something amusing, or O-M-G to something shocking.

12. Finger & hand cramps as a result of excessive scrolling are a daily norm for you.

13. You have many friends whom you’ve yet to meet in person. Perhaps this is a testament to your great networking skills, or it’s just that you can only thrive at socializing when it’s behind the comfort of a keyboard – either way, a portion of your friends are only identifiable by their Facebook photos. (Prepare to be disappointed aesthetically, if you do eventually meet them.)

14. The quality of your handwriting has plummeted, as you’ve essentially forgotten how to use a pen. First grade you is somewhere, disappointed that you’ve wasted countless hours of penmanship practice.

15. It takes you forever to handle responsibilities and errands that require a little effort, but you’ll dig to get to the beginning of a lengthy, heated YouTube comment argument in a heartbeat.

16. Friends are certain that based on the amount of time you spend online, you must be heavy into porn. As a result, you’re constantly defending the PG-ness of your web habits, saying “Nah, I don’t do porn…” Side note: Nobody does porn, the porn does you.

17. You have more Twitter followers than money in the bank. If you’re focusing on creating witty tweets for whatever’s currently trending, but it’s not reflected in your finances, it might be time to consider using some of that 140-character gold nugget writing time on profitable activities.

18. You know how to make this “é” without Google’ing Beyoncé or Pokémon and copying and pasting it.

19. Anytime someone even suggests that you might be spending too much time on the Internet you snap at ‘em. EXCUSE ME?! You don’t know my life! You think I’m going to sit here and be judged by you? No! Who are you, Joe Brown? Judy? Speaking of which, let me show you this video on YouTube from an episode of Judge Judy where some guy does a hilarious impression of a drunk lady.

20. You’re just now reading this, an hour or so after reading point #19, because you watched the Judge Judy clip, one thing led to another and you got sucked into a time consuming YouTube black hole.  TC Mark

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