Things You’d Probably See At An Illuminati Meeting
Members of illuminati enter and exit through portals, opened by their fancy teleportation devices.
Nick Cannon hosts the meeting, reading from a PowerPoint as people slowly make their way in, and take advantage of the continental breakfast.
This signup sheet for next week’s potluck:
Kanye West being disciplined for whomever he’s most recently lashed out at. Yes, believe it or not, his rants and raves are NOT a part of the plan. Many members of illuminati are growing tired of his renegade routine.
2 Chainz, who was on stage giving an eloquently spoken thesis statement on fitted sheets, is visibly upset on stage after many people chose to hold conversations amongst their tables, rudely talking over Mr. Chainz.
They film a ‘Harlem Shake’ video. For those wondering, Justin Timberlake was the one who began the dancing in the first part of the video. Of course it’ll never air to the general public, but is likely to win some accolades at the “best of the year” award ceremony in December.
Doodle time. Everyone is handed a piece of construction paper, instructed to fold is hamburger style, and draw designs involving triangles, all-seeing-eyes and combinations of abstract shapes and lines that look like they have a secret, evil meaning behind ‘em.
A tattoo artist who is available to anyone seeking a body ink version of his or her newly created doodles. Soulja Boy is known to take advantage of this luxury more often than not.
For a good 10 minutes Ke$ha was banging on the front door, angrily yelling to let her in. Tyler Perry is security for this meeting and oddly, is in full, Madea costume and character as he forcefully removes Ke$ha from the premises.
The lobby has multiple, rather large television screens, all of which are playing Georgia Rule on loop.
A brainstorm session took place, discussing what trends the illuminati will make popular over the next 10 years. The three most surprising plans?
- In 2019, dude-leggings will be a popular fashion trend amongst 20-something men across the nation.
- The primary logo will change from random symbols, triangles and eyes to a silhouette of the leg lamp from A Christmas Story.
- Due to budget purposes and much to the dismay of many illuminati members, bear claws will no longer be served on the pastry tray at these meetings starting next week. Many groans heard throughout the crowd.
Heavy recruiting takes place and everyone rolls their sleeves up, calling potential illuminati members of the future. Even Jay-Z is seen working the phones briefly. He calls Dave Chappelle who quickly declines all offers and seems agitated, requesting that he be placed on the illuminati’s no call list once and for all. Jay then calls Denzel three times, getting his voicemail on each one. (The third time it only rang one and a half times, so the call was clearly ignored.) Jay stood up with his head hung low and dejectedly made his way to the continental breakfast, where a cinnamon raisin bagel seemed to lift his spirits.
Rihanna being very disengaged for most of the meeting, typically seen texting on her iPhone 7 and playing Bunny Wedge, a game you won’t know anything about for another three years or so.
At the end of every meeting, a raffle takes place. On this day, an Olive Garden gift card is the prize up for grabs. Shia Labeouf wins. He’s ecstatic.
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Dear Liam, I know who you are. I know what you want. If you’re looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money, but what I do have is a very particular set of skills.
18. It helps if your cat can grow a mustache.
Meet him young, at a time when you’re not old enough to realize how precious he is.
By its very nature as a rigorous athletic sport, basketball discriminates in favor of the young.