Surviving A Workout Plan & Healthy Diet When You Love TV, Cookies And Sleep Too Much
Over the past year or so I practiced some of the unhealthiest habits known to man, resulting in me taking on the appearance of a dictionary full of blank pages – thick, with no definition. There was even a month-and-a-half long stretch where I lived strictly off of food from the gas station next to my house. I’m talking microwavable cheeseburgers on the brink of expiration, chili-cheese Fritos, stale donuts from yesterday, overpriced king-sized Snickers bars, all washed down with Big Gulps.
My abs, which had taken several years of hard work to develop, quickly disappeared under a layer of inactivity… Also, gallons of ice cream probably played a role in my newfound rolls, but I’d like to think that getting up off of my butt once in a while would’ve balanced out those poor dieting habits. Regardless, I packed on 20+ pounds of pure, unadulterated lazy fat. Now, I’ve never exactly been a fitness freak, but I’ve usually been active enough to be in solid shape, so this weight was unusual to me.
What are we to do when being in bed with our laptop, on the couch watching TV, eating fried stuff and ordering things a la mode is all we really feel up for? Going out to go pickup fast food sounds like too much work, so going to a gym and engaging in exercise seems out of the question. I mean, none of us want to look like the before picture on a Slim Fast ad, but we also don’t want to give up binge snacking, so is there a solution?
This may not be everyone’s right answer, but here’s the method I chose to get fit and be healthier.
I ran across an Insanity infomercial for the 430,295th time. Or maybe it ran across me. Either way, for anyone who hasn’t seen it, there’s a lot happening, but the only thing you really notice is this:
The fitness guru Shaun T, and his frustratingly perfect abs. He is the owner of the most distracting six-pack since Gerard Butler in 300, and I wanted one too, so I ordered it. The objective of the Insanity workout is to get whipped into shape in only 60 days of excruciatingly hard work. I thought — 60 days, that’s only 2 months. 8 weeks. Piece of cake… Mmmm cake.
But it’s not a piece of cake and in fact, the warm ups alone make you regret every last burrito you’ve devoured in the past few months. After a while you’ll try to catch your tears on your tongue because the diet (which I’ll get to in a second) is pretty strict. Like, Miss Trunchbull strict. Her classroom rules that is, not her dieting habits, obviously, since she forced a kid to eat 25x the recommended serving size of chocolate cake… MMM CAKE. K, I’ve strayed away from my point, which is, Insanity is a great solution for lazy bums like me and here is the biggest reason why:
Chances are, if you aren’t already a physical specimen, the thought of entering a gym and working out in front of gorgeous, fit, tight, ripped, strong people seems unappealing. If you’re the least bit self-conscious it can be an uncomfortable experience. Is my form right? Why am I struggling to lift this much weight when they’re lifting that much weight? Why is everyone’s treadmill moving faster than mine?
There’s no social anxiety in your living room, and that’s a plus because a lot of the movements in Insanity are hard to look cute doing. You can be uncoordinated and sloppy, you will be drenched and sweat, and if you need to lie on your back gasping for air, there’s no roid raging, wannabe cage fighter in a Tap Out shirt standing to the side, judging you.
The dieting part is difficult in a different way than the workouts. This is more about going grocery shopping, preparing actual meals, avoiding fast food and having the restraint to not attack any of the junk food in your pantry like a rabid dog. I mean, if you want those ridiculously chiseled abs, it seems as if there’s no leeway on the diet, but if all you seek is a decent body, you can get by with the occasional treat yo self moment.
So you eat a little healthier, avoid publicly working out and follow along with DVDs in private. Technically you’re still watching TV, so there’s that, but in all honesty the Insanity workouts can be so very brutal you won’t want to eat garbage. You know how when you go to the dentist for a cleaning, you don’t want to eat anything afterwards that’ll stain your teeth or compromise the cleanliness? That’s what happens here. You workout so hard that by the time the dentist, or in this case, the fitness guru Shaun T is done with you, you’ll only want to eat green things and check the nutritional facts on stuff before putting it in your body.
Staying in shape is no simple task. Every day there is a new temptation. Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos. Cake Pops from Starbucks. The triple patty cheeseburger with bacon. There’s always something. It’s just a matter of wanting to stave off a third chin or shed away unwanted pounds. Dedicating 40-60 minutes of a day to hard work/fitness, and 23 hours to half-decent eating isn’t as strenuous as it sounds…
Okay, it is as strenuous as it sounds, but at least you’ll be able to see your toes.
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Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”
To begin, I got totally screwed over in the dental genes department. I was born with a pretty severe overbite and a mouth that was too small.
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.