How To Be As Cool As Idris Elba
Develop A British Accent.
Idris’ isn’t an accent, so you’ve got some work to do. It takes practice, so test it out by saying the common phrase, “hello, love” — but do it British-y, so it sounds more like “‘ello, luff.” K, try it!… Nope, that wasn’t quite it, you sounded more like Russell Brand on medication — try again. And again. Don’t stop until it’s as convincing as Idris is when he plays American characters. If you’re already British then you’ve got that part down, but try the reverse and Americanize your words and phrases. Instead of saying things like, “bloody pile of wank,” say, “well that sucks.”
PROTIP: Say literally A LOT – British people tend to do that. Also, don’t be concerned with sounding exactly like Elba himself, tones and all, because that’s just not going to happen. Idris Elba’s voice sounds like Denzel Washington’s voice had sex with Morgan Freeman’s voice, and created a voice baby, that was then raised in the London Borough of Hackney.
Be a part-time DJ.
Idris has been DJing for years now under the name Big Driis/DJ Driis. If he can do that while being an award winning actor, at the least you should be capable of creating a playlist on your iPod to rummage through at your cousins 16th birthday party.
PROTIP: When selecting your DJ name, use this method: Choose a size (Lil’, Small, Tiny, Medium, Large, Big, Massive, Huge, etc.) and a variation of your first name. Combine them and you’ve got that magic performer handle e.g. Big Driis.
Direct And Play A Role In Your Aspiring Musician Friend’s Video.
As you can see above, Idris did so for a Mumford & Sons song titled, Lover of the Light. Elba plays the role off a blind man, and unless you have prior directing experience, you’ll be blindly guiding the creation of this video.
PROTIP: Don’t run to the edge of a cliff – it might not turn out as joyous for you as it did for blind Idris.
Make Your Own Music And Video.
THIS IS AN ACTUAL SONG MADE BY IDRIS ELBA. I know what you’re thinking – is there anything Idris can’t do? At this point, it seems he’s gifted in every field — has anyone ever seen Elba and Superman in the same room?
PROTIP: Don’t be afraid to skip this step if your vocal chords and/or dignity won’t allow it to happen.
Have A Good Sense Of Fashion.
Sometimes we can have fashion sense, but not the fashion cents to afford it. Still, we can always buy cheaper versions of the styles we enjoy… Or just try a little harder. Maybe don’t wear your weekend sweatpants to social gatherings so often, and perhaps throw on something with buttons and a collar every once in a while.
PROTIP: Target’s clearance racks.
Be Adventurous With Your Facial Hair.
Switch it up. Don’t be afraid to roll with a beard, a goatee, stubble, or maybe even a soul patch if you’re feeling froggy. At one time or another Elba has donned a variety of styles, so you have to try to keep folks guessing what’s next. Rock the Stringer Bell goatee one week, then do the John Luther unkempt, scruff the next. Whatever floats your boat… or flies your Prometheus ship.
PROTIP: I wouldn’t recommend attempting a straight up mustache.
Yes, Idris has done it, but it should’ve come with a ‘DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME’ warning for the other 99% of us who can’t pull it off.
Have Interesting, Funny Stories On Tap — Like This One:
PROTIP: Make sure your story is really funny or interesting to compensate for the whole, not being Idris Elba thing.
Know A Thing Or Two About Martial Arts
It’s all about being a dabbler. Dabble in music. Dabble in DJing. Dabble in kicking and punching pads held by an extremely large, Muay Thai super heavyweight.
PROTIP: Playing the UFC video game on your Xbox 360 doesn’t count.
Don’t Get Discouraged
It can be dejecting to realize that the level of cool Idris possesses reigns much higher than that of the average man. Trust me, I know – I lost my last bit of self-confidence seventeen seconds into this article. That’s just the way it is. Most people aren’t granted talent and good looks, and many of those who are don’t have a good enough work ethic to reach their full potential as Idris has. Whatever though, we can do this, people. We can find our inner Idris Elba and channel it. Or just change the channel to BBC and watch some Luther (check your local listings, blokes).
PROTIP: If you ever meet or know Idris Elba in real life, it’s likely a result of following this guide and reaching your full, cool potential — to the point where you’re now attending the same high publicity events as him. It’s only right that you hit me up with an invite me to hang out. After all, this guide is responsible for literally all of your success. Literally.
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As much as I appreciate someone telling me to keep my chin up when going through a hard time, I’m fairly certain I’d rather them let me punch dance out my rage in their backyard.
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