1. ATM Fees. They’re usually only about $2-4, but being required to pay money before you can access and retrieve your own money is a bogus concept. I have about 75 packets of Orbit stockpiled, because buying a pack of gum and getting cash back feels significantly less unfair than paying my money to acquire my money.
2. When someone steals your Tweet. It’s just not cool. Excuse me sir/ma’am, you are NOT allowed to use my thoughts without the express written consent of ME — all rights reserved, homie. Pull out your copyright infringement whistle and let it be known what’s happening, so we can prevent these social network violations from happening so often. If someone enjoyed your notion so much, they should utilize that Retweet button or cite sources with @ mention of your name.
3. Paying an absurd amount to fill up your tank. Even if you have a gas-friendly vehicle, you’re probably still paying an amount that could purchase something awesome, like 2-4 large, topping heavy pizzas every time you fill ‘er up. At this point for me, the cost of a full tank of gas isn’t far off from my car’s full value, which leads to me reciting the words “$5 on 2, please” fairly often.
4. Getting poked on Facebook. Why is this even a thing that people are given the option to do? Being physically poked in real life is almost less annoying than being poked via a social network.
5. Having a person in a nearly empty restroom pass on using every other stall to occupy the one rightnext to you. As a dude, the guy who uses the neighboring urinal almost always pees so heavily that droplets of urine splash and land next to or on your sneakers, adding insult to injury. Not to be a stickler, it’s just that the bathroom is such a personal space, and if distance is an option, it should always be chosen.
6. When you go to bed with an article of clothing on, and wake up with that piece missing or discarded on the floor. Did some perverted paranormal entity get sloppy and forget to put my shirt back on after its normal, nightly violations? Even if it’s just one sock off, it makes you wonder how sleep stripping happens — and if that ghost used said sock.
7. Hearing the word ‘penetrated.’ Yes, it’s a favorite of sports announcers, but ‘penetrated’ is well on its way to joining the likes of “moist,” in the Hate-That-Word-Hall-Of-Fame.
8. When your cell phone unexpectedly vibrates in your lap. Whoa, buy me dinner first, iPhone. Siri, get directions to the nearest Olive Garden…
9. When your TV show kills off a character you love. How dare you get me emotionally invested and attached, then unexpectedly end the life of that creation? You had no right…
10. Getting hacked by the spam link you clicked on. This automated, bot thing will now send a message to all of your friends, putting your blunder on blast. It’s not your fault, so don’t let people tell you otherwise. You see “RIP Bill Nye” and have no choice but to click the link immediately, without examining its blatant illegitimacy.
11. When Facebook, iMessage, or some other means of communication tells on you for reading a message without responding. Thanks for blowing covers, exposing occasional ignorers, and ruining acquaintanceships across the globe with your snitching.
12. If a person stares at you for longer than five seconds. Only in films are lingering gazes so acceptable, and that’s probably because they’ve got the help of some sort of musical score playing in the background. Stares are uncomfortable for the most part. One second is basic eye contact. Two seconds are a lengthier glance. Three are potential flirtation. Four are like, okay, what’s your deal? Do I have a booger? Do you think I’m captivatingly attractive or fascinatingly hideous? And five are a flat out violation. What is it that you’re trying to process about my face that’s taken 1/12th of a minute?
13. When Herbal Essence commercials come on. Please stop. The moaning – it’s awkward, it’s played out and more importantly, it’s really uncomfortable.
14. Catching people standing behind you, staring at your screen. It doesn’t matter if you’re texting or surfing the web for completely normal, appropriate content, there’s something irritating about a person attentively watching your personal text messages be written, or keeping tabs on your web habits. I’m always tempted to open a word document and, in size 100 Times New Roman, write: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT WEIRDO? YEAH, YOU.
15. Getting caught in the background of someone’s picture taking sessions. Now you’re captured in their still shots for an eternity, like an unintentional photobomber. From time to time we all enjoy scanning the backgrounds of our pictures and having a chuckle at the expense of the characters we caught in a candid, unflattering frame. Now, we’re going to be that person.