10. Highest Of Highs: Anything From Chipotle
If there were a ring large enough to fit around a burrito, how many of y’all would get down on one knee and wife Chipotle up? You know you’ve got an issue when you feel genuine happiness every time Chipotle sends you a text via your SMS subscription. As far as fast food standards go, eating here is like dating models. Don’t get me wrong, there are other joints out there in select cities that some can plead a subjective case that they’re a “prettier model,” but nobody can convince me that Chipotle doesn’t have a symmetrical face and a fantastic body.
9. Pretty High Up There: Panda Express
Look at you, you fancy mofo! As far as hastily acquiring food goes, Panda has to be amongst the leaders in quality. After all, they have meats, noodles, rice and veggies, which is usually too greasy or glazed in sauces to be considered healthy. And if you eat it with chopsticks, suddenly it looks even classier.
8. At Least You’re Trying: Subway
Subway can be healthy if utilized properly – remember Jared who lost tons of weight eating there? If you avoid ordering a meatball sub with three kinds of cheese and ranch dressing, plus chips, a soda and cookies, there’s actually potential to be dieting well. That being said, I can’t recall ever going to Subway and not loading up on those amazing white chocolate, macadamia nut baked gems.
7. Nobody Blames You: Waffle/Crisscut Fries (Chick-fil-A/Carl’s Jr., Hardees)
When the taste of something is so amazing that its artery clogging effects are canceled out, that’s worthy of some credit. Waffle fries are one of those rare scenarios. Not every burger joint serves them, so you’ve got to take advantage of the occasions in which they’re available. Don’t count calories or feel bad, you really had no choice.
6. Meh, I Gotta Do Me, Booboo: Little Caesars Hot N’ Ready Pizza
Yes, it’s got the quality of those square pizzas from third grade, but it’s hot, it’s ready and it’s five dollars. Who gon’ stop me, huh?
5. DON’T JUDGE ME: McDonald’s Breakfast
The McGriddle is one hell of a concoction. Eggs, sausage or bacon and cheese, in between two scientific miracle, syrup injected pancakes! They also offer really cheap breakfast burritos and a platter, all of which isn’t very healthy, BUT, at least it’s being utilized as the most important meal of the day.
4. Pretty Damn Low, But Whatevs: KFC
Kentucky Fried Chicken once offered an item on their menu that consisted of two slabs of fried chicken, with bacon, two types of cheese and secret sauce in between ‘em. It was basically a heart attack potion and the fact that they still sell a bowl of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, corn and gravy, all smothered together speaks volumes as to how much they really don’t give a flock about health.
Really eating even 5 or 6 of ‘em is probably gross, but these 10 and 20 piece nugget meals that places like Mickey D’s offer are the epitome of gluttonous, disgusting behavior. That being said, I’m in it for the dipping sauce because who doesn’t love to dip?! Although it is really frustrating when you order 20 nuggets and they try to stiff you with two packets of BBQ sauce. Um, thanks, but what shall I do with the other 15 dry, sauceless nuggets? If I’m going to repulsively over eat, I’m going to do it with A LOT of ranch, BBQ, honey mustard or sweet and sour sauce.
2. Way, Way Low: Taco Bell
There is a Taco that’s shell is covered in Doritos nacho cheese dust. There’s ground beef that probably derives from a different animal than you’d expect. It’s gross. It’s disgusting. And I for one, love how all of it tastes. You have to be a food slut if you’re okay with grubbing on Taco Bell. I don’t discreetly go through the drive-through or feel embarrassed making that walk of shame out of Taco Bell anymore, I’m more than willing to lose my dignity to a Doritos Locos Taco Supreme.
These are made of processed dragon meat and ground up unicorns. They taste something like the mystery meat that filled grade school cafeterias back in the day, drenched in thick BBQ sauce, that makes me picture the nauseating old lady who made the chocolate cake that Bruce Bogtrotter ate in Matilida. Some things aren’t meant to be fast food – ribs are one of ‘em. Even after a night of drinking, sleeping with a McRib sandwich in your belly is unacceptable. Only those with essentially zero standards are willing to let a McRib inside of them.