January 7, 2013

Where The Characters From ‘Full House’ Would Be Today

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It’s been almost 18 years since the last episode of Full House aired in May of 1995, and for those of us who indulged in the show’s feel-good-moments that always culminated in a corny emotional scene, full of sappy music and valuable life lessons, we wonder. We wonder where the members of the loving Tanner family, if they were real, would be right this very second. I’ve created a foolproof algorithm to calculate the fate most characters took… And by that, I mean I caught an episode this morning and hastily made some educated guesses/preposterous theories, using only my knowledge of the shows 192 episodes and the world as it’s changed over the years.

Jesse Katsopolis

Full House: The Complete First Season
Full House

Jesse has aged very well and is as handsome as ever, duh. His hair is doing just fine, but between having a wife, and kids, Jesse’s dreams of being a widely successful musician never fully materialized. However, he would find his five minutes of fame in 2010, when his super-cheesy music video for Forever, by Jesse and the Rippers went viral on YouTube. Not in a good way though, in a Rebecca Black, Friday type of massacre. Katsopolis did make it to prime time television when his video was featured as the ‘Web Redemption’ on an episode of Tosh.0. So there were no 10-10-321 ads, no yogurt commercials, no ER — just a 7 minute 32 second segment on cable television… And 25,364,912 YouTube views.

Joey Gladstone

Full House: The Complete Second Season
Full House

Joey cut ties with his G-rated humor routine to create a vulgar act that goes down every Tuesday-Friday at the Flamingo in Vegas. Gladstone hasn’t stopped using his old impressions, and in fact, “Racist Popeye” is the most controversial/popular aspect of his performances. Unfortunately his wardrobe has yet to change, and he flaunts an array of hockey jerseys and fugly Hawaiian shirts. Joey is currently dating a significantly younger woman, and they’re one of those over-the-top disgusting, PDA couples.

Danny Tanner

Full House: The Complete Third Season
Full House

With a history of television hosting, (Wake Up, San Francisco), Tanner went back to his old roots, this time with game shows. Danny would go on to host Family Feud in the early 2000s, and from 2008-2011, he’d do a game show called Catch 21. In early 2012, it was rumored that Danny Tanner was a leading candidate to replace Matt Lauer on The Today Show, before Lauer’s contract was renewed. Vicky, who Danny was briefly engaged to, moved back back to San Francisco, and the two married in 2004. Danny is no longer an obsessive compulsive cleaner, for a tragic reason that will be addressed later in this piece.

D.J. Tanner

Full House: The Complete Fourth Season
Full House

D.J. married her high school sweetheart Steve Hale, but the two divorced in 2009, citing irreconcilable differences. Sad, right? But honestly they weren’t the most stable, even having a breakup before the final season, so this isn’t the biggest shocker. The eldest Tanner daughter is currently a casual dater, holds primary custody of her son, Steve Jr. – and maintains a mommy-blogger group that meets every Tuesday at Starbucks.

Stephanie Tanner

Full House: The Complete Fourth Season
Full House

The poor middle child. Stephanie never felt fully appreciated as a kid, and this led her down some slippery slopes as an adult. She dated some not-so-great guys, and worked briefly at a gentlemen’s club – only as a waitress though. Something about lewd comments from touchy-feely, dirty perverts felt warm and tender to Stephanie. It was the attention her father and “uncles” never fully provided, and in that she found comfort. After a lengthy, emotional talk with her dad, he helped her get her life back on track. Stephanie now lives in a Los Angeles apartment, pursuing an acting career. So far, she’s appeared in several commercials for Oat Boats cereal.

Michelle Tanner

Full House: The Complete Fifth Season
Full House

Daddy’s little girl has never been the same since falling off a horse and suffering from amnesia in the series finale. Michelle suffers from cluster headaches, has poor short-term memory and struggles with hallucinations in which she believes she has a twin, whom she killed in the womb, that follows her around, appearing at random in terrifying fashion. Because of her conditions, she has remained at home with her father and step-mother, living in the basement formerly occupied by Joey. She doesn’t come out much, instead choosing to write Heroes fan-fic and stave off insanity… Not what you were expecting, right? Stuff just got real dark.

Kimmy Gibbler

Full House: The Complete Sixth Season
Full House

Remember the overly affectionate, significantly younger girl Joey Gladstone is dating? Yeah, it’s Gibbler.

Nicky And Alex

Full House: The Complete Seventh Season
Full House

Nicky works at a call center and Alex is currently unemployed, but recently borrowed $600 from his Mom to join a “network marketing” business. They do lots off stuff together; fantasy football, making prank call soundboards and co-running a Jim Halpert parody account on Twitter… So yeah, those are things…

Becky Donaldson-Katsopolis

Full House: The Complete Eighth Season
Full House

A regular contributor on D.J.’s mommy blog, Becky is silently disappointed in her son’s lack of productivity. She recently lent her son a large chunk of money, for what she’s fairly certain is a pyramid scheme, in the hopes that he’ll at least do something positive for himself. Becky’s hair is a lot grayer than you remember it, due to stress from her boys – Jesse included.

Steve Hale

Full House: The Complete Eighth Season
Full House

Currently working at Disneyland as Aladdin.

Comet (The Dog)

Full House: The Complete Series
Full House

Comet died in 1999, ironically, after eating a can of Comet disinfectant cleanser powder that Danny had mistakenly left on the floor during a binge cleaning session. R.I.P. Comet. TC Mark

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