The Most Popular Lie We Tell Our Friends
1. Plans were made at a specific time. Let’s say 9 PM. You’re picking someone up. Someone’s picking you up. You’re meeting someone somewhere. Whatever the case may be, there’s a scheduled get-together, and you have plenty of time to prepare in advance.
2. It’s 7 PM, two hours before your plans and you’re like, “Meh, I got time – might as well watch some TV” or “I’ll just check Facebook to kill time” – something along those lines. Whatever activity you choose always ends up luring you in for longer than expected. The same rerun of Ridiculousness that you’ve seen 19 times. An episode of Catfish that you have to catch the ending of. A link to a YouTube video that leads to a binge YouTube sesh. Something will reel you in and before you know it…
3. It’s 8:45 PM and you still haven’t showered. You have to run the hurry-up-offense, which means moving super-fast to choose an outfit, take a shower, get dressed, and meet or be met very shortly. Of course, you can’t do this unless the show has ended, or you see one last ‘Recommended Video’ on YouTube, so the getting ready process won’t even commence until 9 PM.
4. Somehow it’s 9:05 and you’re scrambling to the shower! Luckily, the person you’re meeting hasn’t reached out to you yet. Probably because nobody’s ever punctual anymore… right?
5. While in the shower, a jingle alerts you that you’ve received a text message. The speed of you scrubbing your body increases significantly. However, you consider that anytime a person sends a text, they’re not in too big of a hurry, because they’d call if it were urgent. At least, you’ll try and convince yourself of that to ease the stress. That, or cross your fingers that it wasn’t even them.
6. RING! Okay, the phone is now ringing and it’s definitely your friend. Time to hastily finish up the shower and dry off.
7. Call your friend back, butt-ass-naked. They’ll ask where you are, but you can’t answer until you know how far along they are in the “getting ready” process. See, the lie you’re about to make is fully dependent on their current status.
8. No matter where they are, it’s always further along than you. Now you’re out of options. Just do it. Make the lie. Tell them you’re headed out the front door when you’re partially dressed. Say you’re a block away when you’re barely leaving your front door. Tell them you’re like, right outside their house when you’re a block (or five) away. This is how it works nowadays. Many of us are procrastinators about getting ready and when the time comes, falsifying information is the go-to-move. You know the saying though: better 45+ minutes late, than never.
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5. They hold the phone like a walkie talkie.
“I’ll rub your back until you fall asleep.”
Translation and rationalization of unsatisfactory text messages.
He told me he wants someone SWEET who would be a good mother and I told him I wanted to die.