The 8 Kinds Of Crappy Kisses
Not every kiss begins with K – some start with tongue. Anyone leading with a wet, revolving tongue is going to maintain that method throughout the entire kissing session, treating your lips and mouth like an ice cold Popsicle on a hot summer day. Contrary to what this kisser and friendly dogs around the world believe, being licked on the mouth doesn’t feel pleasant at all.
2. The Inaccurate One
It doesn’t require Katniss-Everdeen-esque precision to successfully land your lips on the lips of the person you’re trying to kiss. Really, anyone with even average aim should be in good shape. However, this person manages to wind up kissing somewhere in the vicinity of your chin or nostrils, leaving you feeling awkwardly violated.
3. The Morning Breather
It doesn’t matter what time of day it is, you can kiss this person at 4:53 PM, and they’ve still got morning breath? How? How do you do that? It’s almost as if they possess a superpower that nobody wants; the ability to maintain stank, 6 AM breath 24-7.
4. The Mutombo
You initiate the kiss by coming in and leaning 90% just like Hitch said to, but your lips are greeted, or should I say rejected, by a palm. Blocked. Oh, we didn’t just have a moment? Apparently I miscalculated the amount of sexual tension and mistook your friendliness for interest in mouth-to-mouth contact.
5. The Balm-Less Wonder
Cold, chapped lips have to be one of the most unpleasant surfaces ever. It’s unclear how a kiss is even enjoyable for that person who’s donning the dry, crusty pair because a badly damaged smoochers can be pretty painful. It’s kind of inexcusable these days, considering lip balms are widely available for a buck or two at every grocery, drug and convenience store.
6. The Chomper
Is the zombie apocalypse commencing on your face right now? Don’t get me wrong, if one applies the right amount of pressure, a little biting can feel pleasant. Matter of fact, it’s not a complex, precise craft to master. Nibbling is nice, just refrain from chomping on lips and necks like bubble gum.
7. The Skip To The Ending
It’s evident that this person doesn’t want to beat around the bush… Actually beating around the bush might be exactly what they’re trying to do. No playing small ball here; there’ll no delaying of the process. This is a swing for the fence that, in addition to aggressive, wet kissing, features confident hands exploring your body, and a middle school-esque amount of dry humping. Of course, depending on the person and your mood this can be considered a good thing.
8. Eyes WIDE Open
A lot of people like to sneak a peek during a good make out session, but damn, nobody’s eyelids are sexy enough to stare at for the duration of the kiss.
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It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.