One second you’re having a drink with them at the bar, the next they’ve gone AWOL. Was there a portal to a parallel dimension at the bottom of that beer? I think my friend has gone missing; do I put out an Amber Alert? Or would it be a Lager Alert? Is that why you left me – because I make bad beer jokes? Whatever the case, this David Blaine routine is infuriating and because of your shenanigans, I’m playing Angry Birds and reading month-old text messages to seem occupied on my phone. Leave the tricks to the whores who do them for money, so I’m not stuck trying to create the illusion of being an important person on his phone.
2. The Copy Cat
While many march to the beat of their own drum, some folks treat life like a game of Simon, trying to match the colors and tones of others. Specifically you. It’s great to have admirers and people who share your interests, but it’s also good to be individuals – especially when as adults. Don’t get me wrong, setting a trend and being admired would be flattering, but at what point do we draw the “matching outfits” line? It’s not limited to aesthetics either. When you love a song and that person pops up like, I LOVE IT TOO! – that can grow a little frustrating. Our inner hipster takes over and we want to say, Meh, you can have the song, I liked it before it was “your thing too.”
3. The Bad Listener
If I’m pouring my heart out and you put a lid on your listening cup, that’s poor friend etiquette. I JUST WANT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW I RAN INTO MY EX AND SHE SMELLED LIKE SUGAR COOKIES AND LOOKED LIKE ADOBE HIMSELF PHOTOSHOPPED HER, IS THAT OKAY?! I mean damn, I listened the other night when you went on that rant about so-and-so taking too long to text back, and I missed a new episode of Catfish in the process – you owe me!
It’s even worse when you’ve spent hours upon end listening to their ramblings, and the one time you need them to let you vent, they interrupt to talk about themselves or change the subject. Can you at least fake it by saying mmhmm every two minutes and nodding your head?
4. Your Unspoken Rival
For whatever reason, sometimes we’re involved in silent rivalries with friends. It’s never been spoken of, and it probably never will, but the two of you compete, trying to one-up each other whenever the opportunity presents itself. This isn’t a bad thing at all. In fact, this person often brings out the best in you. Someone who can draw your competitive spirit out of hibernation should be more sought after than a person who’s got no ambition whatsoever. Surrounding yourself with people who do better and make you want to improve really is an undervalued concept. The only downside of these friends? When they outperform you and you’re happy for them, you’ve got to feel somewhat disappointed in yourself. (Even if you’ve got to generate this ‘slighted’ feeling to inspire yourself, the end result is a more motivated you.)
5. The Flake
This person has the reliability of Will Smith’s father in that one really depressing episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. You can make plans and give them the benefit of the doubt, but at some point they’ll send that “I dunno if I’m gonna be able to make it anymore!” text. As a former flake, now in recovery, I can tell you with great certainty that 98% of I-don’t-knows are definitely-nots. What a flake often fails to realize is that a “no” from the start would’ve made life a whole lot easier than bailing at the last minute. What they lack in dependability and consistency, they probably make up for in some other way – which is why you love ‘em and summoned their presence in the first place.
6. The Genetically Gifted
No matter how often this specimen eats things a la mode or slacks off on workouts, they remain physically fit. Damn anyone who can drink six packs and still have one.
7. Unnecessary Liar
You know the extreme fibber who tells you that he/she missed happy hour at Chili’s because they were attacked by a pack of lions and after fighting two of ‘em off, a third one swooped in and the best of ‘em, so they had to be treated overnight in the hospital? In your mind you think, this story isn’t even necessary, it was just Chili’s – no big deal. But since we don’t want to call their bluff and make things awkward, we pretend like we kind of believe their farfetched tale, which usually sounds like it’s loosely based off of Where The Wild Things Are.
Everybody makes fabrications and tells lies from time to time, the difference is that we don’t create stories involving explosions, attacks or deaths – and we don’t lie about stuff that isn’t worth wasting a quality lie on.
8. Financially Fortunate
While everyone else is on a budget of some sort, this lucky SOB has discovered the fountain of funds. It’s actually remarkable because this individual has developed a way to avoid labor of any sort, yet they’re always able to get by, with no complains of financial woes. HOW? How in the name of Benjamins do these people maintain a life of eating out, drinking out, and any type of rent or bills without working?! Please show me the way! To the rest of us, NOT ever having to work makes zero dollars and no sense.
9. The One Who Doesn’t Know When To End Things
Dude. It’s 3:45 A.M. We went to the bar. We went to the club. We went to Denny’s. We lingered in the Denny’s parking lot for 45 minutes. I don’t want to rage at awkward Kevin’s house now. Awkward Kevin probably wants to get sleep anyway, so please, before the sun has fully risen, let’s call it a night.