21 Night Owl Problems
1. Trying to tip toe and stealthily open the refrigerator or pantry, but making tons of noise. It’s like the quieter you try to be, the louder everything is. (Crunchy chips and their noisy bags are a night owls enemy.)
2. Never being able to fall asleep at a decent hour in the night. Or you know, before Nick at Nite programming turns into Nick Jr. shows.
3. Never being able to wake up at a decent hour during the day. It truly sucks to get out of bed and feel like a good chunk of your day has gone to waste.
4. When you’re up alone, you hear all the weird bumps and sounds in the night, making you recall scenes from every paranormal, psycho killer, monster horror flick you’ve ever seen.
5. Having the appetite of a bird during the day, then binge eating at night. I’m talking clearing out pantries, emptying refrigerators and keeping fast food joints in business.
6. Seeing super funny sh-t, usually online, but having nobody to share it with for at least another eight hours.
7. Telling people that you’re a ‘night owl’ as if it’s some esoteric attribute that is actually super cool, because ‘insomniac’ sounds more like you’ve just got issues.
8. The struggle of identifying when the new day starts in your own little world. Should you go by technicality and say midnight or keep it unofficial and say it’s whenever you wake up next? These are the tough calls you must make.
9. The only way you’re going to catch The Today Show is if you stay awake until 5 A.M. – but you damn sure aren’t waking upat that time.
10. You consider or pursue overnight jobs. Night stocking and stripping are leading candidates, obviously. Take it all off or put it on… shelves. These are our options.
11. You’ve complained of inconsiderate people who are active through the day. “Shit, dude – do you have to come home for your lunch break so loud, it’s only one in the afternoon? People are I’m sleeping!”
12. You don’t have a messed up sleep schedule because to label the pattern-less, chaos that is your body’s sporadic resting habits a “schedule” would just be profane.
13. It’s normal for you to tell people goodnight and good morning, without you, yourself having any sleep in between.
14. You refresh your Facebook timeline and Twitter feed as if anything is going to have changed in the wee hours of the night when only you are up.
15. You catch more infomercials than news.
16. You debate whether or not it’d be awkward/weird to Facebook chat with that one random friend who’s online.
17. The discovery of obscure television series’ and movies via entertainment spelunking. Also known as browsing Netflix and late, late night programming.
18. Dozing off on the couch, feeling exhausted and dragging yourself to your bedroom. Yet, as soon as your face hits the pillow you’re mysteriously WIDE-awake again as if lying in your bed is the equivalent of plugging your body into its charger.
19. You see sunrises on the reg, and for the record they’re not nearly as beautiful when you’ve been up for going on or more than 24 hours.
20. Enduring the horrific taste of NyQuil even when you aren’t sick.
Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
By Larry Hardin
If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
By Rob Fee
I’m about to finish up my sophomore fall of college, and friends from home are getting married and having babies and sufficiently freaking me out.
He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.
By Meg Beyer