1. Sallie Mae And The Bill Collectors
That sounds like the name of a sweet Motown band, but it’s actually a group of people (who are just doing their jobs), badgering you about making immediate payments on a debt you probably would’ve fully reimbursed if it wouldn’t result in starvation or homelessness. It’s rough because we really appreciate Sallie for helping us attend classes and whatnot, but she can’t grasp the concept of brokenness so now her number will be saved under the contact name “DON’T ANSWER.” Yeah, those who’ve felt the struggle know what I’m talking about.
2. A Friend Who’s Going To Ask You To Go Out On A Busy Night
I have a ton of work to finish. You’re aware of that, but you’re still going to call, and with the conviction of the most gifted salesman, pitch me the idea of going out. You’ll say comforting things like:
- C’mon – just one drink.
- I’m buyin’.
- So-and-so is in town but only for tonight!
- Just go, I’ll help you finish your work after (they won’t).
- You can’t? But, dude, it’s my dog’s birthday!
I know that by answering I’m essentially clarifying that I’ll get no work done this evening and possibly the next morning, depending on how susceptible I am to the rest of your peer pressure. Sorry, the only way I can guarantee productivity is pretending that I didn’t see your call. If it’s any consolation, I get very emotional as 30 seconds of Best Friend by Harry Nilsson (your special ringtone) play in the background.
As a former retail employee I’m well aware of the immediate feeling of fear that consumes our happiness when a job calls. Whatever they want, you know it won’t be a good thing. They aren’t calling to tell you about your raise or giving you the option of having extra days off. They want to break your spirits, take your free time and ask you to work. It’s much better to let that bad boy ring and if they bring it up next shift, lie and say you never got the call but wish you had cause you totally would’ve loved the extra hours.
4. The Long-Winded Friend
This might be a nice person who you adore or a ruthless gossiper blabbering unwanted information, either way you know that by answering you’ll be occupied for a large portion of your day that you can’t afford to waste. If you had a spare fifteen hours to kill maybe you’d entertain the idea of picking up when they call.
5. Persistent Pests
Everyone knows that by hitting the decline button on an incoming call, the person is immediately sent to your voicemail, making them fully aware that you saw and wanted no part of their call. You know that person who hasn’t taken the hint of your one-word (or one letter) response texts? Well the ignore button serves as a giant clue in their search for your unattainable affection. Snub your pesky vermin until they have a light-bulb-over-the-head moment.
6. The Favor Asker
Plain and simple, nobody likes a person who only calls when they need something. Help moving, a ride into the city, a loan – anytime they need a hand it’s yours they’ll seek. Don’t feel bad blowing off their call and saving yourself the physical labor or dent in the wallet.
Sorry. I love you and appreciate everything you’ve done but you have the worst timing. The thing is, I know you’re going to leave a voicemail and put a one of those dreadful envelope icons on my screen, so I might just answer.
8. Any Person Who Knows I Went To The Store When I’m In Line Or Already Checked Out
You have from the time I left the house to the time I enter the line to suddenly remember whatever you need. If you think of it the second after I step in line, you’re out of luck.Oh, you wanted me to pick up foil and oatmeal? Sorry but I’m going to read the headlines of this gossip magazine and shuffle through the pages of Lohan’s shenanigans as I wait in line, pretending not to hear you buzz in.