1. Anyone with a Facebook album named after a continent (e.g. Africa, Europe, etc.). That means they’re traveling to the places we only see on our computer’s wallpaper. Not cool.
2. Super photogenic folks. We all know of people who look flawless in every picture they take. We wonder, how the hell does every frame of your life look so gorgeous? As someone who has an abundance of eyes shut, awkwardly posed, creepy stare, please-don’t-tag-me photos circulating social networks, I can say it’s rough being part of such a casually camera wielding society. This is why you should have no qualms with treating friends like you’re an angry celeb and they’re the paparazzi when they point their lenses your way.
3. Genetically gifted, gravity defying, athletic freaks of nature. As a physically challenged, super uncoordinated individual, it’s frustrating to see these amazing specimen who eat the same greasy, fried junk that I do, somehow manage to run faster, jump higher and perform better at every physical activity. One of the hardest things in life is accepting that you’ll never dunk a basketball without a tall, strong person lifting you up by the waist and hoisting you towards the rim.
4. Good dancers. Look at you casually moving in sync with the beat of the music; I wonder what that feels like. See, my dance movements resemble involuntary gyrating and clumsy jerking that only a serious medical condition should induce. It’s like the steering wheel to my body is being fought over by two angry people with very conflicting ideas of what direction to go in.
5. Single people when you’re in a relationship.
6. People in a relationship when you’re single. It’s unclear what’s greener, the envy or the grass on the other side.
7. Vocally blessed singers. I have the voice of one of those outlandish, joke contestants on the first few audition episodes of American Idol, so anyone who doesn’t have cringe-worthy vocals as atrocious as mine is going to get a resentful stink-eye for their beautiful singing.
8. Whoever runs an entertaining parody account on Twitter that has witty thoughts on the regular. It’d be nice to have a brain capable of generating high quantities of hilarity every day.
9. The lucky few who look like the “AFTER” photo on a Proactiv commercial. Clear skin is a pipe dream in my world of untimely breakouts and random, resilient pimples. Damn you and your blemish free faces.
10. People who have awesome accents — particularly British ones. You can take pleasure in the fact that to someone, somewhere you have an accent. But it probably ain’t British and those are the best ones. I enjoy them to the point that I practice my own sporadically throughout the day. To say that it sounds like a heavily medicated Hugh Laurie would be giving myself too much credit.
11. Anyone still sleeping when we have to wake up in the morning. Seeing them lay peacefully, breathing calmly with closed eyes makes us unhappy. So we’re going to close cabinets with reckless abandon and if they happen to interrupt your sleep, we’ll smile on the inside. You might go right back to dreamland when we close the front door, but my goal is to see you toss and turn before my exit.
12. That person who never has a job but somehow manages to make it. Not even struggling to get by, but actually living well. How is everyone else working 40+ hours for off brand mustard but they’re buying that Grey Poupon? Please, teach us your ways, jobless one.
13. Human calculators who grasp math effortlessly. I’ve been stumped since long division. Mixing letters and numbers with infinite possible answers fries my brain, I’m not sure y, but it does.
14. Responsible people. It’s jealousy mixed with scoops of admiration because I wish I could be more like that. Seeing people buckle down, say no when invited out and fulfill all obligations, it’s motivating. They do their homework, run errands and handle all of their business in a timely manner. How though? How does one so easily avoid procrastination via Youtube, Netflix, the refrigerator and other temptations? I don’t know the answer but you’ve got it figured out so I’ll just resent you for 15-30 seconds.
15. When you introduce a friend to so-and-so, then they spend more time hanging out with so-and-so than you. I’m not sure if we’re supposed to direct the jealousy toward our friend, toward so-and-so or equally distribute it. Either way, there’s some of those not so good feelings rearing their ugly heads.
16. Good listeners. Everyone wants to open up to them and discuss their current life dilemmas. It’d be awesome to be valued as people’s real-life diary. As much as I try to focus and listen to confiders, my wandering mind makes it impossible. While you’re venting, I’m pondering potential 2015 New Years Resolutions, the lyrics to the Salute Your Shorts theme song and what toppings I want on my nachos later. Listening, and I mean really listening is a true gift.
17. People who don’t get jealous. Look at you, all grateful for what you have, completely content and perfect n’ stuff. Maybe you’re a bit spiteful on the inside but can you let it be visible so that the rest of us don’t feel so guilty about our slightly bitter thoughts?