1. You’re never invited or requested anywhere near them when they go out with friends. Nobody wants to strong arm their way to a night out with their partner. We don’t jam RSVPs down a mouth that never spoke the words, “Want to join me?”
If their clique doesn’t even know that you two are involved and jury duty summons your presence more often than your boy/girlfriend does, that’s a problem.
2. They drag themselves through your date nights, going through the motions with the enthusiasm of a zombie. The Walking Dead-end relationship?
3. The furthest down the road they’re willing to discuss is a week or two, tops. Not only do they not bring up the future, they cringe and change topics when you mention it. The exchange goes something like this:
You: We should plan a trip to San Diego next month.
Them: (While squirming) Yeah I don’t know, but hey, have you seen the remote?
4. Neither of you give a sh-t about dates, holidays or anniversaries and the whole trying thing has stopped entirely. The day your boyfriend/girlfriend legitimately forgets it’s your birthday or tosses you a crushed up twenty-dollar bill for Valentine’s Day is probably an alarming one.
5. The most appealing aspect of remaining in the relationship is the convenience. The fact that so many of your belongings are at his/her place or vice versa. You have tickets to a concert next week that you’d actually like to go to. It’s just easier to not deal with all of the circus-esque crap that a breakup brings.
6. On any given day you’re more likely to have a petty argument with each other than to share a good laugh. At some point it’s too exhausting to fight over trivial nonsense like who left the mug on the table without a coaster or if the car you saw earlier was green or blue.
7. You learn of monumental, noteworthy personal facts that would’ve remained secrets had you not stumbled upon them coincidentally. There’s a GIGANTIC difference between them telling you something and you finding out/asking about it.
8. You develop lustful eyes and find everyone else attractive. At least more attractive than your significant other. Every girl looks like Halle Berry, every guy looks like Thor – anyone is better. When your own relationship’s connection isn’t strong enough to fend of things that shouldn’t constantly be a temptation, that’s bad news.
9. There’s little contact between you and your lover throughout the day. No texts, calls, drop-ins – no nothing. Think about how persistently you tried to have some form of interaction with that person when things began. Sure that’s destined to fizzle down over time, but there should be a passion and desire to hear from each other considering you’re like, you know, together and junk.
10. Views and opinions of each other are changing in a negative matter. When you first met it was cute that he/she mispronounced certain words or had a strange laugh, but now? Adorable has turned into obnoxious and the sound of their voice is like hearing Gilbert Gottfried scold Fran Drescher, who laughs loudly as she grinds her nails on a chalk board.
11. Arguments escalate to a point where heavy, should-be-off-limits-topics are mentioned. When the bickering isn’t about who left the light on or in a playful tone and it becomes belittling, personal attacks – don’t ignore it, regardless of how thick-skinned you are.
12. The using – scratch that, even the touching of each other’s cell phones or computers is completely off limits. When they turn their phone over so the screen isn’t exposed, shield it away from your view and angrily reject a mere request to see their phone, that’s trouble. There shouldn’t be anything in there that’s that top secret.
13. You have conflicting life goals. Not like, different career aspirations but significant wants and needs in the future. If you know that you definitely want kids and they definitely don’t, that’s a problem. If you’re set on marriage but they don’t ever want nuptials then what’s really the point of continuing a destined for failure limbo.
14. The physical attraction is fading. If sex was previously had it’s no longer done which is an indicator that you two are so mentally demagnetized you want nothing to do with each other physically either. Or if the sex is just boring. To the point where the only joy during it is the thought of going to raid the refrigerator after it ends.
15. Every mistake of the past is being held against you. The thing about keeping records of slip-ups and blunders is that it’s impossible to move on from history when it’s constantly being discussed. We do a lot of stupid things in life, the last thing we need is someone reminding us about each one of ‘em.