A Conversation With My Mind Every Night At Bedtime
Me: You do realize that it’s 2:30 in the morning, right?
Mind: I know, so what’s up?!
Me: Nothing is up, just please be quiet so we can get some rest.
Mind: Oh yeah, sure, that’s cool…
A brief silence, maybe 15-20 seconds pass.
Mind: Quick question.
Mind: But it’s important.
Me: Don’t even ask. Then it’ll lead to other questions and open a whole can of worms. Silence – not another word.
Mind: Fine… But I was just wondering if you’ll be able to pay all of the bills this month?
Me: Seriously? That doesn’t even matter right now, let’s pretend you didn’t just ask that question and go back to sleep.
Mind: All right, fine.
Ten seconds go by, tops.
Me: But what made you even ask that? Like, why wouldn’t we be able to pay?
Mind: Do the math.
Me: You do the math, that’s what you’re there for — to crunch numbers and call Conscience over when I need to feel guilty.
Mind: Well you didn’t pay attention in school, so you can’t expect me to be good at it. But if I had to guesstimate, I’d say we’re cutting it pretty close.
Me: How?! We make a sufficient amount, how is it so close?
Mind: You make unnecessary purchases.
Me: Like what?
Mind: That espresso maker, those new shoes – Cookie Crisp instead of the off-brand in the bag. Silly stuff like that.
Me: That’s not going to break the entire budget, it’ll be fine.
Mind: Let’s see: We’ve got rent, insurance, phone, utilities, gas, groceries – Netflix. You’re screwed pal.
Me: Will you shut up? Even if we can’t afford this month, I have to be up early. Can you please be quiet so we can get some sleep?
Mind: Fine. That’s fine, but don’t expect me to work under heavy stress later, because you keep putting this off.
Me: Would you rather try to function on no sleep?
Mind: Good point.
Me: Exactly, now just calm down and get relaxed so we can doze off.
Mind: I’ll try.
A minute goes by. Two minutes go by. My Mind is quiet as I try to sleep, but I know he’s still wide-awake, thinking. We remain in silence for a bit, then there’s a little noise in the distance. It’s probably just the refrigerator, or house creaking. Anyway, I’ll try to lay here and peacefully doze off.
Mind: What if that was some type of ghost or evil spirit?
Me: We’re twenty-three years old, aren’t we past this phase?
Mind: Absolutely not, and we’re not ever going to be! Ghosts are real man, that sound out there was definitely the spirits.
Me: God, you’re stupid.
Mind: That means you’re stupid. And you’re in denial about the devil spirits out there.
Me: Oh, now they’re devil spirits? You’re so ridiculous; this is why we don’t watch horror movies.
Mind: Quit pretending like you’re not a little terrified right now. Turn on the TV or a nightlight.
Me: Absolutely not scared. I’m a grown person and ghosts are preposterous.
Mind: Are they? Then how do you explain what happened that one night when we were home alone a long time ago?
Me: You’re such a jackass – don’t bring that up.
Mind: We know what we saw! That silhouette of a man standing over you when you woke up is embedded in your brain.
Me: It was probably a combination of sleepiness and dreaming.
Mind: You don’t believe that. Turn the light on, coward.
Mind: Do it, you’re scared.
Me: I won’t and I’m not. Be quiet now.
There’s a brief silence. Another bump is followed by another creak.
I turn the lamp on.
Me: That’s your damn fault.
Mind: Maybe so. This is silly, what are we doing here? Fully grown and concerned about some type of ghost, let’s turn off the light and get some rest.
Me: That sounds like a great idea.
A minute passes. Two minutes pass. Eventually we’re headed steadily toward that beautiful sleep world. That beautiful space right on the brink of being completely out. I fade. The peacefulness is perfect. We continue to fade, until… we’re… finally…. Aslee–
Mind: Seriously though, we can’t risk losing Netflix.
A | A | A
3. Flirt All The Time
I know there are ladies who need a professional to handle their cooch waxing, but for the more independent and adventurous among us, the DIY wax is much preferable.
Who doesn’t love a necklace half the size of their own head?
India holds no prisoners. It’s dirty, chaotic, and challenging. I learned how to stand my ground, to fight for a fair price, and to look like I know what I was doing when I actually had no idea.