10 Food Lover Problems
1.The inability to twist doorknobs or open things because of the finger grease acquired while eating potato chips. It’s even worse when the thing you’re trying to open is edible, because it really shines a guilty spotlight on the situation, if you already know you’re overeating.
2. When 24/7 fast food joints shutdown their ice cream machine because it’s nighttime. Milkshake or ice cream cravings are intense and passionate, so the only real way of halting such powerful desires is the actual consumption of one.
3.Losing everything in your stomach, along with your dignity in the bathroom of a Taco Bell, because the prices were so low and the food was so tasty entering your body. However the exiting process of mystery meat filled tacos and burritos is never a pleasant one.
4.The challenging task of driving home after purchasing fast food. The specific conflict that always arises involves resisting the urge to inhale most or all of the hot, salty French fries before you even get to sit and enjoy the burger that came along with them.
5.Accidentally leaving unprofessional orange and red fingerprints all over paper documents due to constant consumption of Cheetos, Hot Cheetos and Doritos. Colored fingertips are the surefire sign of a cheese/spicy flavored chip lover — they basically serve as our badge of honor.
6. A constantly upgraded wardrobe as a result of fluctuating weight that renders certain articles of clothing useless. The only real guarantee in my overeating life is that my socks remain consistently usable.
7. Trying to distinguish the difference between sheer boredom and actual hunger. At times they can be indistinguishable, resulting in minor gluttony.
8. Being unnervingly bothered by taking that first swipe out of the peanut butter or Nutella jar because it’s ruining a beautifully filled, smooth looking 13 ounces of deliciousness. Feels like jamming a knife through a Picasso painting every single time.
9. A growing addiction to food porn. Often it’s a struggle to complete daily tasks and errands because we’re mesmerized watching Food Network or looking up HD photographs of cookies, ice cream, cookies covered in ice cream and other sexy — oops, I mean delicious concoctions.
10. Frequently burning fingers and mouths because it’s virtually impossible to refrain from grabbing and attempting to eat freshly cooked, extremely hot food. Even with the knowledge that cooling time is necessary, attempts to resist are futile. I’ll even go back for bites in five-second intervals, as if anything has changed and the result will be less painful.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”