1. Interrupting conversations. Remember being five, and when your parents were talking to other grownups you’d walk over mid-conversation, tug on their shirts and repeatedly call, “Mom/Dad?” Yeah — that was improper then — but you were five, so it was fathomable. Some people are incapable of comprehending the notion of waiting their turn to speak. When this happens, utilize the sarcastic old saying: “I apologize, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?”
2. Poor hygiene. As kids we often abhorred the concept of cleanliness. We relished wearing the same grass-stained, smelly pants for as long as possible. The thought of bathing made us shiver in our Velcro strapped shoes. Now, it’s a different story. It’s remarkable how many folks out there seem to think that deodorant is optional. I mean, technically it is but it shouldn’t be. They need laws enforcing this. If the pungent aroma of your body odor is burning nostrils, and causing eyes to water, you should receive some type of ticket. Stinkyness needs repercussions just as much as loitering does.
3. Fighting. With the massive rise of ignorant and disrespectful individuals populating the world — verbal spats and altercations are inevitable. Contrary to popular belief, screaming obscenities and puffing your chest out as friends hold you back, doesn’t reek of badass-ness. In fact, it looks rather foolish. If you consider the end result of a fight, is it ever good? Let’s consider the possible outcomes:
- You win the fight. Receive some high fives. It ain’t UFC, so you won’t get a paycheck or anything. And now you’ve made an enemy (or enemies).
- The cops come. You get arrested, which means fines, jail-time, etc.
- You hit the other person in the wrong spot, accidentally doing significant and permanent damage. Now you’re screwed.
- The opponent hits you in the wrong spot, putting you on the receiving end of some serious damage. Now you’re screwed.
- You lose. Everyone witnessed you getting your ass kicked, and now you’re ashamed.
- They pull out a weapon and stab or shoot you. While I’ve never been stabbed or shot, I hear it stings much worse than your ego would after simply walking away from a physical confrontation.
4. Social networking your relationship. It’s such a stereotypically high school thing to do. Notifying Facebook every time you and your significant other have a squabble is a perfectly idiotic combination of obnoxious and immature. Couples’ quarrels are normal, but your friends/family shouldn’t be alerted about each one of them via Tweets and status updates. Yes, that includes the oh-so-subtle, back-and-forth song lyrics and quotes that are clearly projected at each other. Honestly it makes your relationship look sh-tty, and all of us wish you’d break up.
5. Mispronouncing pronounceable words. Calling spaghetti “pasquetti” isn’t cute anymore. Say “spa.” Now say “ghetti.” Spaghetti. Boom, simple as that! Speech impediments are one thing, but baby talk in an attempt to be adorable should stop entirely.
6. Picking your nose. Seriously, just grab a tissue. If I walk in a room and you jerk your hand away from your face, then begin to roll something between your index finger and thumb, I know you’re guilty.
7. Tantrums. By now you’ve likely experienced enough scenarios not going your way, to take a loss and keep things moving. Throwing fits, breaking stuff, screaming, and having an attitude when the going gets tough isn’t going to solve anything. Circumstances may cause rough patches, but battle them head on. Don’t sulk and act like a bratty toddler, having an outburst in the store ’cause their parents didn’t buy ‘em what they wanted. Also, breaking objects is a bad habit. You’ll regret throwing and damaging your phone, or punching a hole in the wall once the anger wears off.
8. Sending friends to talk to girls for you. I remember sending my friend over to ask a girl for her phone number. She gave a firm, “No,” and stated that if I wanted to approach her, I needed to do it myself. Mind you, this was in fifth grade. If a girl who hadn’t reached her teens yet recognized a cowardly act, surely grown women will. Just man up, and go for it. The only thing worse than getting rejected is having to be informed of said denial by a middleman.
9. High school festivities. If you’re 20+ years of age, you should not be asking things like, “Yo, where the graduation parties at?!” Let it go. You had your four years to shine. The same thing goes for ex-athletes who attend games and critique the current team — attempting to relive their glory days. Move on, find a hobby, and live a grown-up life for Pete’s sake. (Think of Pete as your little brother, who is ashamed that his older sibling won’t stop attending his high school events. Go away, for his sake.)