How To Be A Gangster In 20 Easy Steps
So you want to be a gangster, huh? Well, you’ve come to the right place. I’ve got a résumé full of qualifications that certify my gangster label. I used college ruled paper in high school, watched PG-13 movies at age eight – hell, I even got banned from Chuck E. Cheese’s back in the day, for prize ticket laundering. Here are the steps you must take, to fulfill your destiny as a gangster.
1. When dining at a fast food joint, ask for a water cup, and then fill it with Sprite. You may be obeying your thirst, but you damn sure ain’t abiding by the law.
2. Pull out your flash drive without following the recommended procedure. Who obeys protocol and sh-t? Not gangsters like you and I.
3. Text with under 10% battery on your phone. Yeah, it’ll probably die – but you don’t give a damn — you’re a straight up G. Just hope that nothing cute comes up, because you totes won’t be able to Instagram it.
4. Enter places through the exit doors. You little rebel, you.
5. Record televised sports without the expressed written consent of the NFL, NBA or MLB.
6. Don’t let your frozen TV dinner stand in the microwave for 1-2 minutes. Who cares what the cooking instructions say? You do whatever you please.
7. Eat with your elbows all over the damn table. Manners are for people who own custom chandeliers, and children – not gangsters.
8. Whenever you drink V8 Juice, pour some out for all of the meat eating homies you’ve lost to vegetarianism.
9. Place a condensation covered glass on a table, without a coaster.
10. Snack on your treats and drink from your beverages in the grocery store, before you pay for them.
11. Buy a ticket to one movie, but see two or three. Movie hopping earns you oodles of street cred. Side note: Using the word “oodles,” is a quick way to negate any of the street credit that you’ve previously gained.
12. Don’t put one of those lame protective cases on your cell phone. If you drop that sh-t, oh well! Cracked screens are the third most common way to identify a gangster. (Untied shoelaces and inner wrist tattoos are first and second.)
13. When returning your Blockbuster videos in the drop box, park in the handicap space, even if you aren’t disabled. That’s at least 15 seconds of legitimate law breaking. Gangster Double Bonus: If you’re feeling excessively hood, return that video a day or two late.
14. Pick it up like it’s cold (as opposed to dropping it like it’s hot). Thug life!
15. Take more than the recommended dosage written on the medicine box. Drug life!
16. Tell people that you’re a “boss.” But don’t say it like boss, pronounce it: bawse.
17. Next time your landlord tries to collect rent, throw a DVD copy of Rent (the musical) at him.
18. Don’t trust the Midas touch. Gangsters can’t trust anybody. Except for their Mom. And Dad. And siblings. Maybe your friends too, but only the real close ones. And old folks, Denzel Washington, babies, bearded men, or people with kind eyes. But yeah, besides that, don’t trust anyone.
19. Stick your tongue out and make faces at staring little kids, when their parents aren’t looking.
20. Ignore the know-it-all red line on Microsoft Word. Always trying to correct your spelling and sh-t. F-ck that, trust your instincts – and soon you’ll be a certified gangster.
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You might never see them again. Who cares? Honestly, that’s kind of the fun in it.
This has long been a problem for me in my dating life, as I have a habit of attracting men of color. They think we’re on the same team.
Wait, Canadian bacon?
It’s something you can do all by yourself that doesn’t involve a TV, game system, laptop, or iPad.