9 Things You’ll Regret After A Breakup
1. Expensive items you bought for him/her. At the time those lavish gifts were purchased it seemed like a sweet gesture for your future life companion, but now that you’re certain this isn’t the Cory to your Topanga (or vice versa) — every transaction you ever made becomes a financial regret. I mean, your bank account balance would be three times what it currently is had you not spoiled your former lover with boatloads of crap they didn’t deserve. There should a “Breakup Insurance” that offers folks some type of monetary replenishment in the event that their relationship meets its demise. A fat paycheck after every separation would make heartbreak oodles more bearable.
2. Past freak-outs. They are highly humiliating but when you’re with someone long enough, they are bound to happen. Sometimes jealousy/a lack of trust results in those embarrassing nights that you’ll forever be ashamed of. You know, that evening you called her/him 30 times in a two-minute span, much like a teeny bopper would dial persistently in hopes of being Caller #9 for a free pair of Bieber tickets. This also goes for those glorious moments where you may have lost your patience resulting in a rather audible public argument that warranted an abundance of judgmental glares. Hopefully your ex doesn’t have any proof (e.g. an angry voicemail) of these meltdowns, but the fact that you know it happened is punishment enough.
3. Nude pics and/or sex tapes. Obviously any photos or footage revealing private parts of the body are typically meant to be seen strictly by a specific person. It takes a genuinely awful character to make those confidential images public, but unfortunately the world is full of those. Everybody knows the high risk of taking explicit snapshots or videos, so the only way to guarantee that you aren’t exposed to the world is to refrain from taking them. If you’ve already taken part in the creation of such graphic material, the post relationship feelings of anxiousness can be almost too unnerving to bare… Oops, I meant bear.
4. Belongings left at their place. There were various points when your instincts told you not to leave your Arrested Development boxed DVD set at their place, but you didn’t listen. Now you’ll just bite the bullet and accept parting ways with your beloved collection. In scenarios where the belonging is a more pricey one (such as an iPod), you’ll be forced to seek it out, resulting in an uncomfortable few minutes of face time with the person who just recently smashed your heart into pieces… or was on the receiving end of your soul crushing blow.
5. Taking them to places you thoroughly enjoy. During your relationship there’ll likely be places that you and your significant other take a liking to and attend regularly. The issue here is that if you split up, you face the obstacle of avoiding running into that person at said hot spots. Now if the breakup is somewhat amicable, I strongly suggest working out some type of mutual agreement on who can go where. Perhaps one person receives full custody of a favorite restaurant while the other is granted that jazz bar that y‘all enjoyed so much. In some cases it’s not a bad idea to negotiate visitation rights on places that both members of the former relationship aren’t willing to part ways with. For example; she’s permitted to go to Applebee’s Monday through Friday while he’s only authorized to be present on weekends. Bada-bing, bada-boom — problem solved.
6. The future regrets you create immediately after the breakup. Sometimes being fresh out of a relationship makes it hard to think rationally. There are a few different regret filled actions that are commonly seen after a break up such as:
a. The emotional Facebook statuses or Twitter updates that are typically written everyday for the first 2-3 weeks following a breakup. They are riddled with angry, bitter ramblings or even worse — various lyrics from the heartfelt songs of Adele and Drake.
b. Sleeping with someone who doesn’t meet your traditional standards. Being in a vulnerable state, many are susceptible to hookups with people that they don’t have any physical attraction to or mental connection with. I’ve never seen many 9’s and 10’s get pounced on by 5’s and 6’s in the days immediately following a breakup.
c. Hideous hairdos. Something about a drastic aesthetic change gives people a refreshed feeling and a sense of starting over. Unfortunately these haircuts or dye jobs don’t look as magnificent as we picture them in our minds, resulting in some catastrophically bad hair days.
7. The hookups/potential relationships you passed on. When you’re in a relationship, often times it seems that everybody wants you. Of course as soon as you’re single nobody even glances in your direction, making you remorseful that you may have missed out on what could’ve been a great sexual encounter or even your future husband/wife. This only applies to non-cheaters who stayed loyal throughout their entire relationship. Some scandalous people in this world want to have their cake and eat it too — then have some additional cookies on the side, and that just ain’t right.
8. Their knowledge of your deep dark secrets. When couples have conversations over the days, months, and years, the skeletons begin to creep out of their closets and top-secret information is revealed. Whether it’s that weird thing you like in bed, the story of that time you ran over a bunny or your body’s flatulent intolerance of spicy foods, it can be terrifying to part ways with someone who knows all of your deepest, darkest secrets and may or may not keep them on the hush-hush.
9. The day you met that person. The beginning of getting to know and growing to love a person is always so rainbows and butterflies-y. Then over time that freshness fades away and those two people either realize that they love each other enough to deal with pet peeves and eliminate pettiness, or they go their separate ways. In some cases the two actually care a great deal for each other, but for whatever reason they’re forced to end their relationship. However in less good-natured, agreeable separations, you hate yourself for falling in deep with that person. There’s usually a short stretch after breakups in which newly singles ponder what their present situation would consist of, had they not spent months or years with a person they aren’t going to marry. Naturally the grass will seem greener in this hypothetical scenario, but in reality every second spent with that person is at the very least, a learning experience.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”