15 ‘Yeah, Me Neither’ Statements
1. Every few months, do you perform a quick check to see if you’ve developed super-powers? You know, nothing crazy — maybe just try to move a pen with your mind or attempt to do the Matilda glass-tipping bit.
2. When you acknowledge and accept the fact that you don’t have special-powers, do you ever consider that the guy next to you might? And then you wonder if perhaps, he can read minds? If so, he hears your thoughts right now! So you think statements in your head like, “I know you can hear this, the jig is up!” while intensely staring at the dude, waiting for him to look you in the eye, shocked that you’re on to him.
3. Have you ever gone number two and in the middle of washing your hands, realized that you could probably use another wipe or two?
4. At 2 a.m. do you think of hysterically genius Facebook statuses or Tweets but since nobody else is awake or online to appreciate it, you hold off on posting until the next day?
5. On occasion, do you question if your entire life is a sham and you’re being recorded and watched by many, like Jim Carey in The Truman Show?
6. Does “Fake Plastic Trees” by Radiohead move you to tears, every time you hear it?
7. Do you ever tell a lie so superb that eventually you catch yourself sincerely believing it?
8. When feeling under the weather, do you ever Google your symptoms and then regret it immediately — as you spend the next week convinced that you have cancer, a tumor and several other terminal illnesses.
9. Do you ever catch yourself nodding your head or singing the lyrics to a song that you’re ashamed to be thoroughly enjoying (e.g. “Boyfriend,” by Justin Bieber). So instead of admitting defeat to the universe, you try to assure yourself that you only like the beat and it has nothing to do with the Biebs.
10. When texting, do you ever feel ashamed of the words your phone knows not to auto-correct?
11. When celebrity crushes of yours get divorced or breakup, do you feel genuine happiness and disregard the fact that your chances of meeting, much less dating them are slim to none.
12. At 11:11 do you ever make a wish, then say to yourself, “Yeah, right — I know that isn’t going to come true.” As if you can pull some type of reverse psychology on the universe as it proves you wrong.
13. Do you ever judge somebody purely based off of looks and label them as a trouble causing or up-to-no-good person, then they interact with you and are ridiculously polite and kind?
14. Have you ever purchased and watched the DVD, Georgia Rule, starring Lindsay Lohan multiple times?
15. Do you ever use Facebook likes on meaningful statuses as a gauge of how many friends and family members care about you?
What are some of of your “Yeah, Me Neither” statements? Share them in the comment section!
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It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.