October 18, 2016

The Least Flattering Selfie Of All My 90’s Teen Crushes

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I turned 13 in 1998 so naturally I’ve spent my entire life wishing I was a real teen in the 90’s. All my celebrity crushes are 90’s heart throbs and I’d trade lives with Winona Ryder any day. To assuage some of my lifelong 90’s teen fomo I’ve assessed my teen crushes’ current looks.

Luke Perry aka Dylan McKay aka history’s most crushable man

This list was partially inspired by Luke’s gracing of the cover of AARP magazine for his 50th birthday.

Lets get this out of the way: Beverly Hills, 90210 is my favorite TV show of all time and I consider Dylan McKay to be a perfect human. I pay for Hulu for the singular purpose of watching old 90210 episodes. Previously I had a dvr to record the show playing in syndication with my roommate every day (and 4 hours on weekends). At one point I was watching 14 hours of 90210 a week.

This is a current candid of Luke Perry because he is a weird old man without his own Instagram:

When you run into your co-star at the airport. 😊🇨🇦 #lukeperry

A photo posted by Marisol Nichols (@marisolnichols) on

He also says weird old man things on Twitter like “aunty” and this old man yells at sky rant.

For comparison, look at how well noted fuckboy Steve Sanders has aged:

60 seconds of the @torispelling and @ianziering Show! #OG90210 #beverlyhills90210 #90210

A video posted by Ian Ziering (@ianziering) on

I always knew Dylan McKay was not going to age into a crushable dad. All the stress of taking himself so seriously is showing on his face. Even worse, our boy does not have good aesthetics. This is what his website looks like:

lukeperry.com
lukeperry.com

I can probably handle a guy who isn’t aging well, but I definitely can’t handle one who doesn’t know how to code or take selfies.

Andrew Keegan

Yoooooooo did you guys hear about Andrew Keegan?? Andrew Keegan started a cult religion thing (??) in Venice Beach called Full Circle. Officially, it’s a “Co-Creating Conscious Community”. Unofficially, it’s blowing my mind.

Here’s a current pic of the self-described “Actor / Producer / Soul Surfer”:

Maiden voyage on my 8' Sunova

A photo posted by keegan_drew (@keegan_drew) on

Sign me up for your cult thing !!

Mark Paul Gosselaar aka Zack Morris

Was there a woman alive in the 90’s who didn’t have a crush on Zack Morris? He was cheeky and cute and a bad boy in a non-sexually threatening way.

I have to say, the dad-hot version of Zack Morris is way hotter than the actually-hot version of Zack Morris:

#Priceless. Spending a day at the park with your daughter. #Pitch

A photo posted by Mark-Paul Gosselaar (@mpgosselaar) on

I am totally digging this beard.

Rider Strong

Corey’s BFF Shawn Hunter was definitely my jam when I was watching Boy Meets World on TGIF every Friday. He can still get it.

Brothers Strong scouting with #grimm crew.

A photo posted by Shiloh Strong (@shilohstrong) on

Jonathan Taylor Thomas

JTT needs no introduction. Has anyone even eclipsed him in becoming famous by only their initials? JTT turns 35 this year which I think is supposed to make me feel old but a) I am 31 and b) did I not mention that Luke Perry is 50??? I can handle lil Simba turning 35.

This is not a selfie because JTT is trying not to be made fun of by staying out of the public eye, currently, but he looks cute:

Jason Priestly

I wasn’t going to include Jason Priestly in this list because like any real American woman I never had a crush on Brandon Walsh. I always just assumed he was too busy crying about moral issues alone in his closet to be dateable. But, I did notice that Jason Priestly is selling a 3d printed Jason Priestly doll on his website officialjasonpriestly.com and I had to share:

officialjasonpriestly.com
officialjasonpriestly.com

Here’s a current snap:

@festivaltvmonte_carlo with the lovely @naydoggy to promote #privateeyes. Life is good on the Riviera.

A photo posted by jason_priestley (@jason_priestley) on

Josh aka Cher’s dorky stepbrother aka Paul Rudd

Clueless came out on my birthday in 1995 and I only saw commercials of it before asking for and receiving the VHS for Christmas later that year. I had health issues that year that kept me out of school and I basically sat at home all day by myself rewatching Clueless and imagining that this is the life I was missing in Jr. High. I ordered the Clueless books through the Scholastic newsletter and became convinced I was missing out on a magical world.

Of course this meant I had a crush on Josh even though it is law that no woman should ever crush on a guy who reads Nietzsche by a pool. But Paul Rudd was a great horse to bet on because he’s only become exponentially more likeable and cute as he’s aged:

Joshua Jackson

Beside Luke Perry, Joshua Jackson was probably my #1 90’s crush because he was in The Mighty Ducks which was a very big deal for me. He grew up to be a kind of non-dorky but also not super in the spotlight adult. Also he dated this really hot aspirational woman and I really wanted them to work.

This is the aftermath of 5 shows in 3 days. I think I'm holding up pretty good, no? Need some sleep. And a haircut

A photo posted by Joshua Jackson (@vancityjax) on

I like him more now, tbh. TC mark

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