10 Things To Do Alone On A Friday Night, In Order Of How Depressing They Are
1. Drink an entire six pack and an entire pizza
In the words of someone on the Tumblr “LOL” tag, “any pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
2. Read your high school journal
You know, the entries where you thought your 20’s were gonna be “so awesome” and you’d be taking shots and meeting hot guys/girls every night while simultaneously climbing the ranks in a Devil Wears Prada type high-powered but entry level job.
Clean your entire house and wash your sheets. Make meals for the week ahead. Figure this is a Sunday kind of activity but you are an overachiever. Lay awake in bed and wonder if this is why you’re alone.
4. Plan a fun activity with friends
Become depressed and angry when your friends flake out one by one. Consider following through with said plans alone. Get drunk and cry about how you will probably die alone.
5. Plan to watch a movie and drink a glass of wine and have a relaxing night in
Actually drink the entire bottle in front of your computer as you read Tumblr/Reddit and forget to watch a movie entirely. Ignore any phone calls or texts you get during this time period because you “don’t have time” to talk.
6. Smoke some weed alone on your balcony
Get higher and higher as you really start to figure out life, you know? Realize you’ve been looking forward to this moment for an entire week. Roll up another one to deal with the crushing reality of this realization.
7. Light some candles and decide you’re “totally going to figure out your life tonight”
Begin by making a list of your goals. Take a break to paint your nails. Take another break to see what is in the fridge and eat a slice of cheese, saying that’s all you’ll have for the rest of the night. Return to your list. Feel overwhelmed. End up taking pulls of chocolate syrup directly out of the squeezie bottle that you found buried in the condiment shelf in your fridge. Note that the expiration date was 4 months ago. Keep squeezing.
8. Play the Sims
Cry onto your keyboard because your Sim has more friends than you.
Make a date with a tub of hummus, your bed, and trashy romantic comedies (if you are a girl) or Cracked.com (if you are a dude). Google your ex’s name. Aggressively masturbate to a photo you find of them with their new significant other. Consider purchasing a cat.
10. Google “things to do alone on a Friday night”
Staying in alone tonight? Here’s some less depressing articles we curated especially for you.
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If this doesn’t become the biggest video on the Internet, then I have no faith left in humanity.
Describe for us the threesome with your OKCupid hookup.
I visited synagogues all over the world—from Syosset, to Beverly Hills, and back again to Jericho. Studies were made, tests were run, I tasted the blood of a virgin Jew and even conducted my very own bris.
He was a perfect date. I later got drunk and hacked his phone (who uses their birth year for a password? It was 1986, by the way #teamcougar). What I found was a text to a Kristina explaining his aforementioned sex dream he’d had about her while sleeping next to me in a luxurious hotel bed.