A Checklist For Having A Crush
Have you read everything they’ve ever written on the internet?
There might be something that tells you how to impress them! Quick! Check their Facebook/Twitter/Blog and digest the entire backlog. You could potentially find a small smidgen of information that will, for one fleeting moment, help you connect with them. You can also learn relevant details that might dissuade you from crushing them further—is their political or religious background vastly different from yours? Are they a cat person? Rude to their ex? Ew.
There is a very short window of time that this person will be Adonis to you. Enjoy it. As of now they are flawless to you, be aware that it’s only downhill from here. Savor each moment you review the mental footage of your last interaction you had and get butterflies. Stop and think about how happy/nervous/excited you are! It’s a fleeting feeling.
Your new friend
Suddenly you have a new friend that also happens to be their ex/best friend/family member. But that happened totally organically, right?
Knowing who all the potential current/ex lovers in their photos are
When you go through their Facebook photos (be honest—this is a thing we do now) do you recognize all the people of the sex your lover-to-be is attracted to? Are they all accounted for? Prepare to spend quite a bit of time answering this question through egregious Internet stalking.
How do your last names sound together?
Remember that scene in Clueless when Brittany Murphy (RIP) has a box of items she’s collected to commemorate her crush on Elton? Have you started collecting items that remind you of your “relationship?” Have you saved a few photos from his Instagram feed so you’ll have something to show your grandkids?
Egregiously complimenting him/her to your friends
This is the hallmark of crushes. You cannot shut up about them. Your friends know your crush’s all time, desert island, top 30 greatest traits because you are gushing non-stop. Even when you are conscious of trying not to talk about your crush, you still wish they’d come up in conversation.
A true crush is defined by gathering intel and doing recon work to stage the perfect run-in. This happens on like, a Saturday morning where you find out he’s usually doing work at Starbucks and you “happen” to show up looking fantastic in loungewear (so it looks like it wasn’t planned). If you haven’t been trying to figure this one out, you probably don’t have a crush.
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