Reasons You Can’t Sit With Me
1. The way you pronounce Nietzsche rhymes with “peachy”
2. You are talking about ninjas oh my god just stop breathing.
3. You want to get me involved in your social justice movement.
4. You want to show me pictures of your “babies” except when I look it’s actual human babies and not cute puppies.
5. You want to, or have ever, said a mean thing about my friends or family.
6. You earnestly enjoyed the movie American Reunion.
7. You went to my high school or college and we didn’t speak much then and haven’t seen each other since.
8. Your current job description contains one of the following modifiers: ninja, warrior, black belt.
9. You can’t tell me how a bill becomes a law in the simplest, synopsis of the Cliff Notes of the School House Rock version. At least.
10. You want to tell me about what Jesus has done in your life.
11. You hold the top score for Big Buck Hunter at one or more bars.
12. You don’t understand why anyone would ever drink.
13. You have never liked a song by The Rolling Stones.
14. Your ex is “totally psycho.”
15. You like to make value statements about other people’s sex lives.
16. Your online dating profile says you like to engage in “witty banter” which no one who is actually witty has said. Ever.
17. You want to do drugs and I’m not 19 or at a Wiz Khalifa show.
18. You want to talk about Obama’s birth certificate, secret Islamic faith or ties to terrorists.
19. You are a terrorist. (Ew?)
20. Your favorite character from The Challenge on MTV ISN’T Wes or CT.
21. When you get an invitation for something you assume your husband/child are invited as well.
22. You want to make jokes at the expense of Snooki/Paris Hilton/other punching bags in the media that are more sad or sincere than hilarious.
23. You think that women who read Cosmo are tools of The Patriarchy.
24. You don’t watch Family Guy because it’s offensive.
25. You don’t think it’s weird when people get so angry that they scream, call people names, repeat themselves as if reaching a conclusion or make physical threats.
26. You want to be my new sassy gay friend.
27. You don’t like reading.
28. I used to work with you at a job I hated.
29. You’re an American who thinks Americans seem really “gauche” and “violent” after your semester abroad.
30. You hate sports.
31. You’ve called someone a “fag” in the past three years and meant it.
32. You have an exciting business opportunity for me.
33. You are currently working on a political campaign. I’d love to talk to you in a few months, I just can’t handle your intensity right now.
34. You think Hitler was “actually really smart” or some other compliment “despite what he’s done” and bring this up in conversation as if being able to differentiate a person from their actions makes you some frigging genius or something.
35. In school you were always the person that kept the rest of the class because you wanted to continue asking questions that pertained only to you and your ego.
36. You never laughed at Keyboard Cat. What?
37. You don’t have a Facebook. No, I don’t want to know why.
38. You own a t-shirt that says “I am the ___%”
39. Your favorite book is Atlas Shrugged. Yawn.
40. You don’t get along with most people of your gender. “For some reason.”
41. We used to date.
42. You have strong feelings for/against breastfeeding in public.
43. You have a current subscription to Mad Magazine.
44. You have a mommy/crafting/DIY blog.
45. You really prefer the suburbs.
46. You know me from somewhere, but I don’t recognize you.
47. You want to recap this season of Glee.
48. You are in a graduate program for post-medieval eschatological folk literature.
49. You don’t like dogs.
50. Your lunch smells.