The Female’s Guide To Atlanta’s Best Breweries

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The Scene in a Nutshell:

Breweries are all the rage in Atlanta these days. I couldn’t tell you why all of a sudden people have jumped on this bandwagon but I also don’t know why we haven’t always been riding shotgun, windows down.

First off, we’re broke and they’re cheap. Usually $10 gives you about 3 hours of drinking time, a pint glass and about 4 high gravity beers. Now for my betches who don’t know what gravity means, that’s the equivalent to more buzz to your brew, the more cheese in your queso, and the more drunk to your slop. We’re not talking mic ultras here, these brews will get errybody in the club tipsss.

Now during these 3+/- hours you can chat, booze, judge others, spend too much time walking back and forth to the bathroom, and you can waste 15 minutes of your life by going on the tour of the brewery. On the 6th day, God created man and also gave them the ability to care too much about the fermentation process of an IPA.  Standard bro quote: “Yeah man I’m intrigued to see what these new hops will taste like”.  Actually, no..  What’s intriguing is that skinny jeans are so in right now and the tour guide has a great ass. *Continue to smile and nod, act like I care about the germentation of my ovaries. I mean beer. AND… time for a refill*

Now even though breweries were created by man, the interior design of these places are so on-point. With their urban/rustic looks, you feel as if you are living in a Valencia filter.  (note to self: plan outfits accordingly). While most breweries have the same thing to offer; a hipster setting, good times and a solid buzz, they all have their own style/crowd they attract; and that my friends is what I am here to expose. Until next time; eat, drink and may all my betches be merry.

1. Sweetwater Brewery:

Ahhhhhhhhhhh SweetWater Brewing, you can’t get much more Atlanta than this place. It’s in the heart of our city, it’s repped in Turner Field and it’s awesome.

This place is massive, with multiple bars which means short lines and lots of options to pick out which bartender pours the heaviest beers. The gift shop is conveniently located in the tasting area so you can get drunk and spend too much money. Or awkwardly stand around and browse if you’re not drunk enough yet to socialize. Either way, you are bound to leave with something from here. Maybe it’s a bar of soap made from the hops ( Mother’s Day anyone?) or an article of clothing that our drunk wallet just can’t say no to like our sober wallet can. We can’t look away from those pastel Tees that just scream “I’m-post-grad-life-and-pretending-I’m-not-the-same-as-a -greek-life-shirt”. Deep down, we know it is, but were okay with that.

The brews here are great and will get you drunk. SweetWater does us a favor and tells us the percentage of alcohol in each brew. This number is in direct proportion to the amount of drunk texts you will send your ex-boyfriend. I’m gonna have to go out on a limb and say BETCHES LOVE: SweetWater Blue. It’s not the highest of the gravs but the mainest of the streams and the betches flock to it like an oasis in the Arizona desert. Heads up/spoiler alert: if you’re a dude, don’t be drinking blue on the tour, it’s embarrassing and you will be called out as a pansy.

Sidenote: SweetWater just came out with their 420 cans, for all of your summer time, glass-prohibiting activity pleasures.

Their ever so popular slogan of “Don’t float the mainstream” has become quite the oxymoron because SweetWater is nothing but mainstream these days. If you go on a Saturday, expect it to be packed but awesome vibes nonetheless. I prefer the smaller crowds, which you’re sure to find on the weekdays. In addition to the weekday smaller crowds, you are bound to find all the business men that just got off work. It’s like were at an audition for “Suits” and I’m playing the role of the casting director. HAY BABY.

Really… boys love beer, girls love it less; the ratios are good,  and they look even better when we’re talking tight dress pants, cologne and button ups. On that note, may the odds be ever in your favor. Eat, drink, and may my betches be merry.

2. Monday Night Brewery:

Many of you Atlians have probably been prompted to insta-search the hashtag #weekendsareoverrated and are taken over by a serious rush of FOMO when you realize your friends are out drinking on a Monday night while you were sitting at home watching The Bachelor. Esssss NOT okay. Even Juan Pablo made it.>>>

So the theme of this place, if you couldn’t figure it out by the title, is…. “let’s get drunk on Monday”. As a human I’m going to speak for all of us and say Mondays are generally the day to get your shit together. I, too, abide by this subconscious idea that Monday is the day that I: clean the hair out of my hairbrush, tell grandma how much I love her and do 5 minutes of a Pinterest workout. So when I find myself at Monday Night, I ask myself… why am I wasting away this day of productivity on getting drunk?? Now of course I won’t share my own flaws; but rest assured, I am here to share with you vital information about our society. I have compiled the top 5 reasons why I have assumed others around me are getting drunk on a Monday Night:

1.) Bro #1 had high expectations of getting lucky in Buckhead on Fri/Sat…. plan failed miserably. He ended up only to be accompanied by a beard full of AllStar Special remnants. Sorry bro :/ maybe you’ll have better luck on Monday.

2.) Bro #2 DID get lucky! First date at Monday Night? …I wouldn’t say no.

3.) Group of girls #1…Seeking instapics.(plugging her nose as she drinks the beer she “didn’t know would be so dark!!”

4.) Group of old men #1… Seeking group of girls #1 ^

5.) At last, all the rest simply: Have a dream that one day drinking will not be judged by the day of the week, but by the content in their cups. (coincidence MLK day always falls on a Monday? I thinkkkkk not….)

Real talk: this place has outdoor lighting to die for. BETCHESLOVE: outdoor lighting. Also, Monday Night was clever enough to provide chairs and tables for their customers. Who wouldda thought. If you’re a brewery guru, you realize that shit is hard to come by. and for that, we thank you.

The story behind Monday Night is actually pretty cool. Go figure it was created by Tech grads. >>> oOoOo BURN. If you care enough … Google it.

A good friend once told me that she could see me getting married in a brewery. At that moment, all my stars aligned.  If that were to happen, Monday Night is where daddy would be cutting a check to.  But lets be real that’s not happening anytime soon, after all, Who Says Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend?  On that note; eat, drink, and may all my betches be merry….and hungover on Tuesday.

3. Red Brick Brewery:

Down 85 and through the ‘hood to Red Brick brew we goOoO!

I would compare Red Brick to the iceberg on Titanic, or a front view of Nicki Minaj.. Small in the front but a lot going on in the back. The front has a patio where all the dogs and their owners hang. Ironically, my tinder profile says “must love dogs & beer” so needless to say I found my happy place. Inside there’s a gift shop, games and bar. Then in the back there’s the factory filled with trendy tables & areas to pose for pictures with random individuals as seen above (I’m a big deal in the brew world).

I have to address the most concerning thing I realized when I first came here… Red Brick gives out 4 drink tickets while most places give out 6. Sadly I am a tank and four pours will not get me drunk (or so I tell myself). Genuinely concerned for my own being/sobriety I asked the bartender if I could purchase more drink tickets… that conversation ended with me disappointed, judged, and at reality with my dependence on alcohol. You cannot buy extra drink tickets but you can make friends with the betch that can’t handle more than 2 pours. Talk your way into getting her extra tickets and you’re golden.  Mama always said chose your friends wisely.

PSA: while Red Brick does give out 4 pours, they give you more beer to each pour and they are high gravity. So in the end it does equal out to the same as a 6 smaller pours. Regardless, it’s one hell of a mind game.

If you are not intrigued to come to this iceberg of a hole in the wall yet, let me tell you that Red Brick has a Groupon to die for.BETCHESLOVE: Groupons. It’s $25 for 2 entries, 2 pint glasses, pours & 2 T-Shirts. I’m no mathematician but  basically you’re getting a T-shirt for $2.50. My 100 t-shirts at home are dirty so clearly I need a new one. Grab ya friends, convince them to use the Groupon, and never pay them back.

>>>>>Call me Psychic Nina cause there is a 90% chance this scenario will happen to you basic betches. Anddddd SCENE:  You will walk up to the bar and ask the bartender what kind of brews they have. You soon realize that asking about every beer was a waste of time and like a foreign language because all you’re really listening for are those magical words: “it’s got a fruity taste to it”. So you twirl your hair, clink your Tory Burch flats and realize “oh my god I’m so not at Tin Lizzy’s anymore.” Your ears perk when you hear the words:  “Organic” & “Chai Spices”…. Hipster bartender SAY WhAaA ? “~I already got my fix of Starbucks this morning but twice never killed a girl~!!1” I am here to tell you… calm down thirsty betches. This guy is talking about their brew Sacred Cow:  described as a “Milk Stout with Organic Chai Spices.” As you read that again I’m sure you’re missing out on the key word STOUT. This -ish is dark & heavy  It does not taste like your chai tea latte. Thus, give that beer to your boyfriend, grab another ticket, and go try again.

Recently my Wednesday night Red Brick trivia team and I came in third place. I would just like to reiterate the acceptance speech I gave after I received my 3rd place koozie: ” AHEM, First I would like to thank Red Brick for allowing me 3 hours to drink (most places only give you 2 and that is a lot of pressure for us betches who are never on time). Next, I would like to thank the trivia man who doesn’t think he’s Alex Trebek and gives me a shot in hell at answering questions correctly. Finally, I would like to thank my competition who are less educated than I am, I wouldn’t be here without you.”

Grab ya groupons, grab ya dogs, eat, drink, may all my betches be merry. See you at Atlanta’s finest iceberg.