Recipe for One and Done: A Guide to Unsuccessful First Dates

Ingredients:

• One well-rounded individual (WRI)
• One potential mate/interested party (PM/IP)
• One restaurant (small)
• 4 cups Alcohol
• Scoop of Emotions
• Pinch of Awkwardness
• Money (credit card fine)
• Handful of Hope
• 2 Follow-up Texts

Steps:

1. Start with the one well-rounded individual. Smart, reasonably successful, cute but not hot, fluctuating levels of confidence. Rinse and scrub, coat with dressing of your choice (keep it classy, nothing too extreme). Set aside for now, we will need this soon.
2. Bring in the potential mate/interested party. The background isn’t important, but make sure it pairs well with our main ingredient. Use lean meat, aged, but not moldy. Strong enough to be a main dish, but here, works well as a pairing. Once upon a time this was important to really pin down and get it perfect, but as time has gone on and this recipe has had time to mature, there is more liberty here than ever before.
3. In the small restaurant, combine WRI and PM/IP. Lightly mix, letting the fringes overlap, but keeping the cores separate. This consists of job descriptions, one-sided conversations, nostalgic/go-to stories, college experiences, family life, or current living situations. Keep the topics high level, but if interest is shown, delve as far as necessary to rope in.
4. Slowly mix in the 4 cups of alcohol. It’s going to feel pretty thick and tense the more you stir, so keep adding if necessary until it loosens up. The alcohol type isn’t important. It could be beer, individually coupled with each main dish, or a white wine, split evenly between the two. The more alcohol you mix in will definitely affect the WRI more than anything else. When it’s all said and done, more alcohol now will mean more fun later, so you have nothing to lose.
5. The scoop of emotions (use a wide variety here; anything from overly content to down on your luck) and pinch of awkwardness should be added together. It’s hard to use one without the other. Emotional depth is imperative to show, as it displays the ability to connect and care more than just any old dish. Don’t make the mistake of thinking this is anything you’ve ever had before. There is more going on behind the eyes than you could imagine. Simply coat the entire dish with these. Your ingredients should now start to resemble the desired result.
6. It’s about this time that you’ll need the money. Go ahead and use it like you normally would, making sure the entire dish is taken care of. Nothing out of the ordinary here, but do make a mental note: If you plan on making this a lot, you’ll probably have to replenish your supply sooner than you think.
7. Hope is a tricky ingredient. If used incorrectly, it can take many other forms. Layered on too thick, and it reeks of desperation. Sprinkled sparsely and it feels more like depression. For what we’re making here, a healthy coat is what we’re looking for. Don’t be scared of the transformation, it’s essential for this recipe.
8. Often included with a hearty layer of hope are the two follow-up texts. These should be sweet, as they are the final touches, and the lasting memory you will leave. Use names, for recognition factor. These should get everyone thinking about the future, when you’ll be preparing this dish again. Reaching is essential here. Relive the moment that just transpired, allude to the next time it will be made, and make sure to reiterate how much fun you had. After all, you wouldn’t keep pulling out this recipe unless you were having fun, right?

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