Given my social networking experience, which is extensive, I see a lot of status updates on Facebook. Without belaboring the point, here are the five most annoying categories of status updates, counting down to the single most upchuck-reflex inducing bile that gets spewed, Team America style, all over my newsfeed.
Example: “TGIF!!!! Wooooo!”
The Breakdown: The mood in the office is awesome on a Friday, I cannot deny this. The idea that going out on a Thursday is okay because waking up Friday morning is always a pleasure is actually pretty sound. Friday morning traffic is beautiful. If the sun is out, multiply the feeling by 4. If you can get out of work early, take a half day, or get out of the office for lunch, do it. It’s magical. But sonuvabitch people, we all know it’s Friday. It’s the day after Thursday. It comes every week, never misses. Aside from masochists that work on the weekend, we’re all glad the work week is over. No one is sitting at the office, droopy-eyed and frowny, miserable that they won’t have a day in front of a computer screen. Announcing to the world of Facebook that you are also glad the weekend is here is about as useful as Apple’s ear buds. No one needs them!
4. Any status that gets liked by the poster
Example: Grace: “6 months today! Can’t believe it’s been so long. Time to collect on some bets!!” “Grace likes this”
The Breakdown: This falls slightly outside the standard ‘status’ complaint, but seriously. If posting that you’re also excited for the weekend was useless, this is one step above being dead. As far as I know, unless you get hacked, there’s a seriously high percentage chance that you were the one that updated your status. I would be severely disappointed (though not completely surprised) if someone disliked one of their own updates. The general idea behind updating a status revolves around, in some way, using your own thoughts and your own words (unless it’s just a quote or a lyric, which, used sparingly, is acceptable); it’s kind of the whole point. If you’re posting stuff that you don’t like, you should get a 6 month ban from Facebook. But if you’re posting stuff, then have the twitching reaction to immediately click ‘like,’ go home, grab a pen, and write ‘I love to reiterate unnecessarily’ (yes every letter) down both arms.
Updates about mundane errands and everyday occurrences (also, check-ins regarding same topic)
Example: “Work all day. Walgreens at lunch!”
The Breakdown: About on par with people that ask ‘what’s up’ during work hours (hint: work), there are countless activities that most people handle on a daily or weekly basis, none of which, regardless of who you are, how famous you are, what country you are in, or who you might be doing it with, is exciting. Except sex. But besides that, I have absolutely nothing to do with the knowledge that you’re at the store buying your puppy a toy. What’s next? ‘Stepped into the bathroom for a quick zit popping!’ ‘Had to adjust my balls there for a second.’ ‘Blinked fifteen times in a minute!’ Just stop. We, as humans, as Americans, and as Chicagoans, come across very similar things on a very frequent and consistent basis. Check in to the Starbucks next to work one more time, and the next time you do, the streets will split, lava will begin to gush, and you’ll just fall into the goo, trying one last time to update ‘oop, another Volcano in the city!’ But hey, I’ll allow that one.
2. Arbitrary number countdowns
Example: “OMG 247 days til the big day. Can’t wait!”
The Breakdown: Besides the fact that nothing more than ~6 months should ever be counted, why, oh why, have you chosen this number to signify your excitement? Are you so bored at work that you’ve decided to page ahead for 9 months, counting every single square (since clearly this number is not determined by common math skills) until you realize that the world needs to know that there are 117 more days until your birthday, so we should probably start planning. 67 more days til Vegas? Great. Hope Vegas burns down while you’re trying to think of what number comes after 20, just to spite you. Wedding days, anniversaries, birthdays, prison release dates, movie release dates, doesn’t matter. There are only a handful of acceptable numbers to count down from, and I’m being generous… 6 months, 3 months, 1 month (because saying 91 days implies you counted squares, and that’s not allowed), 20 days, 10 days, 3, 2, 1. I’ll even add in 24 hours, 18 hours, 12, and 6, because occasionally something is that exciting. Anything else, cut it out. You just seem desperate. Put the calendar down and function normally without prematurely pissing yourself with anticipation.
And the number 1 most annoying update on Facebook: ‘Best Boyfriend Ever!!!!!’
Example: Got a dozen roses delivered to my office today. BEST BOYFRIEND EVER!!!”
The Breakdown: Wow, what a gesture. I’m seriously blown away. I know I’m a hopeless romantic, so the idea of sending flowers to your baby at work is legit, especially for no reason (which probably means he did something wrong and is buttering you up first). But seriously, choose your words wisely, I’ve chosen mine. I have no problem with announcing to the world that you are happy with your relationship and you appreciate the nice, sometimes over-the-top acts of romance, compassion, or sympathy that your significant other has come through with, but I have a slight-little-tiny tidbit of news for you: There’s an alarmingly high probability he’s not the best ever. He might be awesome, but he’s not the best ever. He might have carried you up the stairs after riding in on a white horse, but he’s not the best ever. He might have booked a surprise trip to Hawaii because he saw you were stressed, but he’s not the best ever. The shocking thing is: most of these are about such trivial and craptastic moments that it shouldn’t even warrant a ‘eh, he’s a decent boyfriend.’ “Came home and the house was clean, best boyfriend ever!” Really? He’s probably slightly more trained than a dog, and figured there would be a time that this would come back to him in the future. Sorry to burst the bubble. Let’s just all agree that many people in relationships are very pleased with their current mate, ignore the fact that there’s a really good chance you won’t be together forever, indicating, in fact, he wasn’t the best boyfriend ever, and just peacefully and appropriately leave these over exaggerated bragging sessions in your head, where they belong, and stop polluting my newsfeed.
Thanks, I needed that.
Honorable Mentions: Overly personal business; Anything political; Running distances and times (usually not impressive either.)