Facebook, I Think We Should Start Seeing Other People
When we first started dating, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.
I couldn’t wait to check my phone to see if you called and when you did I would drop whatever I was doing to pay attention to you. To be honest, I liked you way more than I was comfortably admitting to friends and family. I was in over my head. Now after being together for several years I have to admit our relationship has, well, lost its luster.
I’m not sure how to tactfully say this but, Facebook you’ve kinda been letting yourself go.
I realize and appreciate your effort to find sexy new ways to entice me (“timelines” and “cover photos”), but I just found all the new bells and whistles confusing. I didn’t realize I could put that in there and switch that around to there and then flip you around and put that there. I miss simplicity.
Lately I’m just finding myself less attracted to you. I mean it’s all Sally “listened to this on Spotify,” Jenny is “pinterested” in this, Mike just read this on “Washington post”, or Stacy just “scored a million points on Temple Run.” All this posting from outside sources has made you kind of bloated and left me yearning for the hackneyed status update days of “I hate Mondays,” “I look gross in this LOL,” or the ubiquitous weekend noun/verb exclamation of “brunch!”.
What am I saying Facebook? I miss us. I miss the old days when we used to lay in bed with each other all Saturday morning. The days when we used to stalk our exes together. The days where we would look to see who in our high school got fat. The days when we would compare photos to see which friend had the ugliest baby. What happened to that passion Facebook? What happened to that love? I realize you are trying but it feels like you might be too late. We hardly call each other anymore. The sex has become monotonous. And when we are together I never feel like you are actually here with me. I miss the old days of us. How it used to be. It’s not you it’s me.
No wait, Facebook, it’s totally you.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
By Ella Ceron
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”
To begin, I got totally screwed over in the dental genes department. I was born with a pretty severe overbite and a mouth that was too small.