4 Foods That Make Me Ashamed To Be An American
We are getting fatter as a society and other countries are making fun of us.
The launch of Taco Bells’ new Dorito shell spits in the face of health and wallows in the mud of our problems. Maybe its because we feed our cows corn instead of grass, maybe its because we scientifically
energy our food with hormones and pesticides, or maybe it’s because we use filler like “pink slime.” Maybe it’s all three. While all of those reasons and a general lack of exercise play a part, the fact is we are an obese society that is burdening its own tax dollars. These four fast food monstrosities aren’t helping our case any.
Taco Bell’s Dorito Tacos Locos
You like tacos, right? You like Doritos, right? Let’s just save you the pain and suffering of eating them separately so you can now just cram them all in your face simultaneously. We already boil our taco meat in a bag that is probably 15% meat and 85% wood shavings. How about we take that Dorito chip that has seventeen 10-syllable ingredients and combine it with said taco meat? You may be able to wash the orange powder off your fingers, but not the lingering shame from eating this.
?Here’s how I imagine the board meeting went at the McDonald’s headquarters. “Eggs? Good. Sausage? Good. Syrup? Good. Now let’s put all that together in a sandwich. People like that sausage biscuit, right? How about we take same sandwich but put tiny balls of syrup in the bun so when you bite in to it syrup ejaculates in your mouth! Sound good? Send the idea up to R & D on 12.” Come on America, we can do better than this at breakfast. Aren’t these ingredients good enough separately?
KFC’s Double Down sandwich
Their defense is that it’s for the carb conscious people, but let’s be honest, there really isn’t an excuse for this abomination. KFC decided that instead of putting lettuce on a sandwich they would put cheese, instead of a tomato it would use bacon, and instead of a bun it would put two fried chicken patties. Holy shit, they must be chest bumping each other over at corporate. Without bread or vegetables there isn’t even the illusion of health in this sandwich. It’s like they just said, “Look, we know you know what we are, and we know what you are, so buy this for $3.50.” Don’t forget to bring your own mason jar full of mayo to wash this sucker down.
Deep-Fried (Insert food that clearly should not be deep-fried here)
?State fair novelty or a representation of American gluttony? I have tried the deep fried Oreo (tastes like an Oreo with batter), the deep fried Snickers (way too sweet), and the deep fried Twinkie (only OK). But, besides the ferris wheel, what’s really been making the rounds this year at State Fairs? Deep Fried Butter. What. The. F-ck. We’ve gotten to the point where we’re even removing the food part of our food. They’re like f-ck it, let’s take a stick of butter and fry it. Let’s take possibly the most unhealthy thing in your refrigerator and then deep fry it and put whip cream and cinnamon on top. When you bite in to it you can feel your dignity just dripping down the sides of your mouth. Need a napkin with that or just the gastric bypass?
So yes, it may be time to stop making recipes from the recently blessed diabetic Paula Deen. Or at least practice moderation. Tons and tons of moderation.
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We’d sincerely appreciate it if you all just retired already, we’ll take it from here. Grab your mops Millennials, we have a lot of work to do.
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