Rules For Sleeping With My Roommate, You Crazy Person
Look, insane person banging my roommate. You and I are going to co-exist, it seems. And for the most part, I don’t care what you do. Skip your meds, send sixty insane text messages in two hours, I don’t care. But let’s get a few things straight — *I* did not board the bus to Crazytown, and I shall not go along for the ride, nor shall I pay the toll. For future reference:
1. Do not ask me where my roommate is. The last time I checked, my roommate did not pass through my birth canal. I have zero interest in keeping tabs on his whereabouts. If he wanted you to know where he was, you would not need to be asking me.
2. Do not ask me about my roommate’s sex life. Believe it or not, I don’t hide in my roommate’s closet to make sure you’re the only person he’s bringing home after a night out. If you need to ask a third party whether or not the person you’re sleeping with is seeing other people, maybe you’re sleeping with the wrong person.
3. Do not eat anything in my house without permission. Do not mill around in my refrigerator in the middle of the night like something in there belongs to you. Just because you’re severely lacking personal boundaries does not mean my lunch is fair game.
4. Never go in my room, for any reason. I can’t even believe I have to say this, but my bedroom? Totally, utterly, completely off limits. I don’t have an extra tampon, I don’t have a shirt you can borrow, I don’t… KNOW YOU. Fall back.
5. Don’t talk to me while I’m watching television. This one is for real. If you don’t have the self-awareness to know that someone whose eyes are glued to a TV screen DOESN’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU, you have bigger problems than sleeping with my roommate. Please remember that I didn’t invite you over and I have no interest in keeping you entertained while my roommate leaves you alone in our common area to take a piss or whatever other inexcusable reason you have to be meandering around my living space.
6. The louder you are during sex, the more I will hate you. I don’t expect you, crazy person, to care about our supposed sisterhood. All I’m saying is that hearing you orgasm doesn’t exactly make me want to braid your hair and trade secrets with you over martinis.
7. Don’t Facebook friend me. I’m not keen on being digitally stuck with you long after the two of you call it quits. I don’t need the validation badly enough.
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Dear Liam, I know who you are. I know what you want. If you’re looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money, but what I do have is a very particular set of skills.
18. It helps if your cat can grow a mustache.
Meet him young, at a time when you’re not old enough to realize how precious he is.
By its very nature as a rigorous athletic sport, basketball discriminates in favor of the young.